Things I like about me: (I can't put a number to this one)
1. My smile - it's crooked and goofy, I have one tooth that's a lot shorter than the tooth next to it, but the point is, it's my smile and therefore a wonderful part of who I am.
2. My eyes - I've been told by some that they can see into people's souls. I just like their color. :)
3. Sarcasm - I can't help it, even when I'm trying not to be sarcastic, it still comes out! All 3 of my children were fluent in the ways of sarcasm by the time they were 2. As for the kids I work with, they all know me to be sarcastic too. Ask them what happens to my eyebrow when I say, "Really?" Sometimes they'll get me to say it just so I'll raise my eyebrow at them.
4. Resilience - something that I've not always had, but have claimed more recently.
5. Open mind - I won't always agree with what you're saying, but I try to at least be open to what you're saying to me. Even if you're obviously wrong! j/k
Things I don't like about me:
1. Being emotional - I cry when I'm happy or sad or angry or frustrated or alive or tired or basically existing. Most of the time lately it's usually related to my finances or lack thereof and worrying about being able to provide for my children.
2. Lack of motivation - in the department of exercise and/or staying physically fit. If I've had any sort of thought about exercising after work, it's the first thing I'll give up if it's been a long day or if I'm tired or if the world is rotating... notice a pattern? It's not my top priority. I don't want to be a body builder or a size zero or anything crazy like that. I would just like for my clothes to fit right, ya know?
3. Stubbornness - Is that a word? I suppose that's not important. I know that sometimes this part of me has served me well and I've been able to hold out against things, but there are times that it has definitely bit me in the ass... and hard. Thank you, Grandpa, I carry on the long line of stubborn Carlsons. I'm relatively certain my children have inherited this fine gene as well. :)
Hmmmmmm, that's all I can think of for now. Maybe it's better that I can only think of 3 for things I don't like about me. Since Cheryl (a coworker) commented on my link to my last list, I thought perhaps I should post another publicly. I hope anyone who's read this and/or my last post has taken time to make a list for themselves. Personal traits, foods, vacation destinations, things you're grateful for... they're all things you can list out and even share here, if you feel so inclined.
amor y paz,
me
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
A couple of lists...
10 things I hate (in no particular order):
1. crickets - they're loud, 'nuff said;
2. blisters on the bottom of my feet - or anywhere for that matter, but on the bottom of my feet it's particularly annoying since I have to walk on them and all;
3. Mondays - they've been particularly Monday-ish the last couple of weeks, I'm ready for that to stop happening;
4. mushrooms - they're squishy AND they taste gross, quite possibly the world's most disgusting food;
5. squishy foods - as long as we're talking about them, they're gross and they make my face go (o^o) - not at all an accurate portrayal, but if you know me at all, you know the position my face takes when I've eaten something squishy, it's not pretty!;
6. most country music - like the music that you can play backwards and get all of your stuff back, e.g. your truck/girlfriend/dog/double-wide trailer, etc;
7. stupid people - no there is some room for lack of knowledge in certain areas, but stupid people... the ones that you look at or talk to and think, surely it's not possible for one person to be that dense... yeah them, I have no tolerance for those people;
8. humidity - I don't mind heat for the most part, but humidity makes me really, really grumpy, like I want to punch anyone who crosses my path, not that I would, but it's tempting;
9. feeling out of control - I'm kind of a control freak and when I feel like various parts of my life are beyond my control, it makes me very uncomfortable. It's hard to let things go and trust that they will be done to my satisfaction... or at all. I'm working at it and have improved, but I still hate it;
10. I can't think of a tenth one right now, perhaps that's a good thing. :)
10 things I love (in no particular order):
1. my children - they keep me young and challenge me daily to be a better parent and all around good person. They are amazing little people and I love watching who they are becoming and their personalities as they are developing;
2. Samuel Yoder - he loves me for who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly. I haven't scared him off with my craziness. He lets me be me and loves who that person is. He helps me see the good things I am when I am unable to recall them for myself;
3. singing - I'm good at it, I miss doing it;
4. my life - despite the bumps I have experienced, everything that has happened has shaped who I am today. I wouldn't change any of it, even the parts I'm not proud of;
5. family - they are loud, crazy and maybe even overbearing at times, but they're fantastic, and I'm lucky to have them;
6. simplicity - I really am not looking for grand experiences or things in life. I want to enjoy who I am, where I am with the people I love in my life;
7. photography - taking pictures of nature in particular, or catching my children unawares, so that they are being themselves. I'm not particularly savvy in the ways of super quality photography, but taking pictures makes me happy, and often is what I do when I'm feeling particularly down or upset about something;
8. movies - good ones, bad ones, I like watching a variety of film and talking about it with people that have seen the movies as well;
9. crafty stuff - I like making things: crocheting, painting, baking, cooking... I'm not good at all of them, but I enjoy them all and they bring peace to my soul;
10. my job - though it stresses me out, days like today particularly, I truly love my work. When a resident discharges and you can see where they have come from and how much they have grown, it's truly satisfying and fantastic to know that you had a part in that.
I thought I would end with the 10 things I love so that this entry would end on a happy note. Today was an incredibly stressful day. I got off work, ran errands at Target, came home and wanted to ignore the world. It's been good to type this all out. I needed to think about what in my life is important to me, it was therapeutic. I encourage the resident's I work with, especially the ones that struggle with self-harming tendencies, to make a list of the things worth living for, what goals do they have for life, not just to think about them, but actually write them down so that in the dark times, when it's hard to remember what's out there for them, they can read their list and see that they have good things in their lives.
I think this is a good strategy for everyone really. We all have times that are hard, when we can't remember that life is good. So make your list, refer to it often. Write down two things a day to start, if you have trouble thinking of those things that are good. Before you know it, it'll come super easy. I'll step down off of my soap box now.
amor y paz como siempre,
me
1. crickets - they're loud, 'nuff said;
2. blisters on the bottom of my feet - or anywhere for that matter, but on the bottom of my feet it's particularly annoying since I have to walk on them and all;
3. Mondays - they've been particularly Monday-ish the last couple of weeks, I'm ready for that to stop happening;
4. mushrooms - they're squishy AND they taste gross, quite possibly the world's most disgusting food;
5. squishy foods - as long as we're talking about them, they're gross and they make my face go (o^o) - not at all an accurate portrayal, but if you know me at all, you know the position my face takes when I've eaten something squishy, it's not pretty!;
6. most country music - like the music that you can play backwards and get all of your stuff back, e.g. your truck/girlfriend/dog/double-wide trailer, etc;
7. stupid people - no there is some room for lack of knowledge in certain areas, but stupid people... the ones that you look at or talk to and think, surely it's not possible for one person to be that dense... yeah them, I have no tolerance for those people;
8. humidity - I don't mind heat for the most part, but humidity makes me really, really grumpy, like I want to punch anyone who crosses my path, not that I would, but it's tempting;
9. feeling out of control - I'm kind of a control freak and when I feel like various parts of my life are beyond my control, it makes me very uncomfortable. It's hard to let things go and trust that they will be done to my satisfaction... or at all. I'm working at it and have improved, but I still hate it;
10. I can't think of a tenth one right now, perhaps that's a good thing. :)
10 things I love (in no particular order):
1. my children - they keep me young and challenge me daily to be a better parent and all around good person. They are amazing little people and I love watching who they are becoming and their personalities as they are developing;
2. Samuel Yoder - he loves me for who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly. I haven't scared him off with my craziness. He lets me be me and loves who that person is. He helps me see the good things I am when I am unable to recall them for myself;
3. singing - I'm good at it, I miss doing it;
4. my life - despite the bumps I have experienced, everything that has happened has shaped who I am today. I wouldn't change any of it, even the parts I'm not proud of;
5. family - they are loud, crazy and maybe even overbearing at times, but they're fantastic, and I'm lucky to have them;
6. simplicity - I really am not looking for grand experiences or things in life. I want to enjoy who I am, where I am with the people I love in my life;
7. photography - taking pictures of nature in particular, or catching my children unawares, so that they are being themselves. I'm not particularly savvy in the ways of super quality photography, but taking pictures makes me happy, and often is what I do when I'm feeling particularly down or upset about something;
8. movies - good ones, bad ones, I like watching a variety of film and talking about it with people that have seen the movies as well;
9. crafty stuff - I like making things: crocheting, painting, baking, cooking... I'm not good at all of them, but I enjoy them all and they bring peace to my soul;
10. my job - though it stresses me out, days like today particularly, I truly love my work. When a resident discharges and you can see where they have come from and how much they have grown, it's truly satisfying and fantastic to know that you had a part in that.
I thought I would end with the 10 things I love so that this entry would end on a happy note. Today was an incredibly stressful day. I got off work, ran errands at Target, came home and wanted to ignore the world. It's been good to type this all out. I needed to think about what in my life is important to me, it was therapeutic. I encourage the resident's I work with, especially the ones that struggle with self-harming tendencies, to make a list of the things worth living for, what goals do they have for life, not just to think about them, but actually write them down so that in the dark times, when it's hard to remember what's out there for them, they can read their list and see that they have good things in their lives.
I think this is a good strategy for everyone really. We all have times that are hard, when we can't remember that life is good. So make your list, refer to it often. Write down two things a day to start, if you have trouble thinking of those things that are good. Before you know it, it'll come super easy. I'll step down off of my soap box now.
amor y paz como siempre,
me
Monday, August 1, 2011
Somtimes you feel like a nut...
sometimes you just feel like an ass. I have been in a weird mood all day, not necessarily bad or grumpy, this day has just felt off. I'll just call it uber-Monday and blame it on that. :)
In all seriousness though, this evening has turned into one of reflection and introspection. While at the grocery store with my kids after supper, I ran into my best friend's younger brother. I thought how he has a lot of facial hair now, and he's not the scrawny kid I remember. :) It's been a long time... he mentioned how big my kids have gotten and that his sister, my best friend, was in town over the weekend. Well she once was my best friend, and I would still consider her to be that, but I in many ways trounced on that relationship. She offered me respite and a place of contemplation during a time in my life I was struggling to figure out who I was and what the hell I wanted out of life. It was a dark and pretty miserable time for me. She helped me realize that I could and should go to school before my kids were all in school. That it was a doable option and I was a capable student. And I was, to put it lightly, a shitty house guest.
I try to live my life without regret, to learn from experiences I've had, both the good and the bad, I'm quite certain I've talked about it on this very blog. This is one experience I wish I could go back and fix. To have been more gracious, appreciative, respectful of their space and offer. I will be forever grateful for that time and all she helped me with. My hope at this point is that I can pay it forward to a friend in the future and maybe eventually repair the rift. I hope that I can move forward in life being a positive influence on those around me. I hope I can help someone else figure out what direction to take when all seems lost in their life. It's the least I can do.
amor y paz,
me
In all seriousness though, this evening has turned into one of reflection and introspection. While at the grocery store with my kids after supper, I ran into my best friend's younger brother. I thought how he has a lot of facial hair now, and he's not the scrawny kid I remember. :) It's been a long time... he mentioned how big my kids have gotten and that his sister, my best friend, was in town over the weekend. Well she once was my best friend, and I would still consider her to be that, but I in many ways trounced on that relationship. She offered me respite and a place of contemplation during a time in my life I was struggling to figure out who I was and what the hell I wanted out of life. It was a dark and pretty miserable time for me. She helped me realize that I could and should go to school before my kids were all in school. That it was a doable option and I was a capable student. And I was, to put it lightly, a shitty house guest.
I try to live my life without regret, to learn from experiences I've had, both the good and the bad, I'm quite certain I've talked about it on this very blog. This is one experience I wish I could go back and fix. To have been more gracious, appreciative, respectful of their space and offer. I will be forever grateful for that time and all she helped me with. My hope at this point is that I can pay it forward to a friend in the future and maybe eventually repair the rift. I hope that I can move forward in life being a positive influence on those around me. I hope I can help someone else figure out what direction to take when all seems lost in their life. It's the least I can do.
amor y paz,
me
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I don't really have a title...
Tonight as I talked to Sam to say goodnight, an early one for me because I'm recovering from the stomach flu, he said he'd really wished I'd been there this afternoon. It's the time of year he misses Pa (his Grandpa Yoder) the most. Spring is a big time of year for him and so much of what I hear about farming from Sam involves Pa.
Then as I went to bed I began to think about my grandma, both of them really. Amazing, beautiful, strong women, who have always accepted me for who I am, even when I've felt like a complete fuck up (Grandma Garber would be unhappy with my word choice there, Grandma Carlson would probably laugh). I guess in those terms I most often think of Grandma Garber. She was a devout, God-fearing woman, but never did I feel judged or unloved by her. Never did she say, "Elise, don't you think you should pass up your seventh molasses cookies, you've put a few pounds on!"
She was one of two people who continued to use my childhood nickname, Lisi, into my adulthood, the other being my close family friend, Matt. When I was in my early 20's it kind of annoyed me. Especially after my third child was born. Whenever she called me Lisi, I would think, "Geez, Grandma, I'm a grown woman with three children now, can't I just be Elise." Funny how now the name I prefer to be called as an aunt is Tía Lisi.
She has this sixth sense about her for people who needed a pick me up. I can't count the number of times I was having a particularly rough week and I'd get a call, that familiar voice saying, "Elise I was thinking about you and I made something for you, would it be ok if I brought it over?" And then carrot jello or molasses cookies or tapioca or whatever she'd whipped up recently would arrive at my door with a smile, a hug and an I love you.
Aidan had his choir competition on Saturday and as I sat listening to his choir, being impressed by the incredible strides they've made in two years, I thought, this time last year, Grandma was sitting here beside me, cooing in her Grandma kind of way, exclaiming over how great they sounded. I have to admit that times like that make me feel a little bitter. I get that she was 82 and that she lived a great life. I know that she is now with my grandpa, in a place she longed to be her entire life. But that doesn't mean that sometimes I'm not a little angry that she left when and how she did. And really, that's all I can say about that right now.
me
Then as I went to bed I began to think about my grandma, both of them really. Amazing, beautiful, strong women, who have always accepted me for who I am, even when I've felt like a complete fuck up (Grandma Garber would be unhappy with my word choice there, Grandma Carlson would probably laugh). I guess in those terms I most often think of Grandma Garber. She was a devout, God-fearing woman, but never did I feel judged or unloved by her. Never did she say, "Elise, don't you think you should pass up your seventh molasses cookies, you've put a few pounds on!"
She was one of two people who continued to use my childhood nickname, Lisi, into my adulthood, the other being my close family friend, Matt. When I was in my early 20's it kind of annoyed me. Especially after my third child was born. Whenever she called me Lisi, I would think, "Geez, Grandma, I'm a grown woman with three children now, can't I just be Elise." Funny how now the name I prefer to be called as an aunt is Tía Lisi.
She has this sixth sense about her for people who needed a pick me up. I can't count the number of times I was having a particularly rough week and I'd get a call, that familiar voice saying, "Elise I was thinking about you and I made something for you, would it be ok if I brought it over?" And then carrot jello or molasses cookies or tapioca or whatever she'd whipped up recently would arrive at my door with a smile, a hug and an I love you.
Aidan had his choir competition on Saturday and as I sat listening to his choir, being impressed by the incredible strides they've made in two years, I thought, this time last year, Grandma was sitting here beside me, cooing in her Grandma kind of way, exclaiming over how great they sounded. I have to admit that times like that make me feel a little bitter. I get that she was 82 and that she lived a great life. I know that she is now with my grandpa, in a place she longed to be her entire life. But that doesn't mean that sometimes I'm not a little angry that she left when and how she did. And really, that's all I can say about that right now.
me
Thursday, December 9, 2010
ummmmm ouch
Today is December 9, 2010. Today marks two months since my grandmother passed away. Part of me still expects that when I am at my parents' house and the phone rings on a Sunday afternoon, it will be Grandma calling, wondering if we are there and if she could stop by because she hasn't seen us for a little while. It's weird how I still expect that.
People that know me, know that I have had an ongoing struggle with trying to make a pecan pie successfully. Over the years, they've mostly come out soupy in the middle. Great for serving on ice cream, very good flavor, but not how a pecan pie should turn out. Grandma even tried to teach me, bless her heart. That pie came out perfectly, but I'll be darned if I could get one to turn out right without her. As I was deciding what to contribute for the family meal to celebrate Thanksgiving, I decided I would again try to make a pecan pie. She was always the one bringing pecan pie, because hers was the best and always exactly right. I tried to figure out which of the many recipes in my grandmother's collection is the one she used, but I wasn't sure. So I searched online. Who knew you could get choked up looking for pie recipes.
I found a recipe and made the pie. Besides calling unnecessarily for a deep dish crust, the pie turned out great! The center set and it tasted pretty good, not like Grandma's of course, but still very tasty.
As I look forward to Christmas and the time for more celebration with family, I'm keenly aware of her absence. I miss her prayers (despite my constant questioning), I miss her oh so distinct laugh, I miss her attentiveness, her compassion, her deep love for all she encountered. I am very much looking forward to a good time with my brother and niece, especially since we've not had time with them in so long. I'm looking forward to going to Ohio to celebrate Christmas with my family there. Despite all of that, this holiday season also comes with sadness this year. I hope all of my friends and family know how incredibly important they are to me and that they are well loved and thought of. Celebrate the people you love, always, because as cliche as it sounds, you just never know when that time with them will be gone.
God bless,
amor y paz,
me
People that know me, know that I have had an ongoing struggle with trying to make a pecan pie successfully. Over the years, they've mostly come out soupy in the middle. Great for serving on ice cream, very good flavor, but not how a pecan pie should turn out. Grandma even tried to teach me, bless her heart. That pie came out perfectly, but I'll be darned if I could get one to turn out right without her. As I was deciding what to contribute for the family meal to celebrate Thanksgiving, I decided I would again try to make a pecan pie. She was always the one bringing pecan pie, because hers was the best and always exactly right. I tried to figure out which of the many recipes in my grandmother's collection is the one she used, but I wasn't sure. So I searched online. Who knew you could get choked up looking for pie recipes.
I found a recipe and made the pie. Besides calling unnecessarily for a deep dish crust, the pie turned out great! The center set and it tasted pretty good, not like Grandma's of course, but still very tasty.
As I look forward to Christmas and the time for more celebration with family, I'm keenly aware of her absence. I miss her prayers (despite my constant questioning), I miss her oh so distinct laugh, I miss her attentiveness, her compassion, her deep love for all she encountered. I am very much looking forward to a good time with my brother and niece, especially since we've not had time with them in so long. I'm looking forward to going to Ohio to celebrate Christmas with my family there. Despite all of that, this holiday season also comes with sadness this year. I hope all of my friends and family know how incredibly important they are to me and that they are well loved and thought of. Celebrate the people you love, always, because as cliche as it sounds, you just never know when that time with them will be gone.
God bless,
amor y paz,
me
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Whoa intimidating!
I had supervision with my boss today, something I do pretty much every week. I've officially been a Unit Coordinator for a year past my 90-trial. Things are good, he's happy with my work, has nothing but good things to say about what I do and how I do it. I get recognition from the vice president that is his boss, and it quite frankly feels really good.
He asked me when I think about the next year, what are my goals. And I honestly didn't know. I've been very focused on the here and now, figuring a lot of things out. I'm in a long distance relationship, I want to finish my degree, lots of things. There's been a lot of grey area between my personal life and my work life in terms of attempting to move forward and what does that mean.
There are a lot of changes and restructuring going on at work right now. Oaklawn has recently acquired 200+ employees as part of taking over a portion of Madison Center. There are still a lot of kinks being worked out, decisions being made, teams being established. I'm not entirely sure what that means for my job or Oaklawn as a whole. Good things, I'm sure. I have no concern about losing my job in all of this. What I'm feeling now is my lack of degree. The position I currently have at Oaklawn is pretty much as far as I can go sans official college degree. I have continually appreciated the recognition that I have already received for the work that I do and those kinds of things, but it is painfully obvious to me that the lack of degree is seriously effecting (affecting? I can never keep those two straight) any potential upward movement in the company.
I struggle with how I want to go about completing my degree. Do I do a degree completion progam, at Goshen College for instance? It means 18 months of very intense classes going full-time to get a B.S. in Organizational Leadership, while working full-time, parenting children as a single mom, and still maintaining my relationship, all of these things very important to me. Do I look at going part-time to finish my B.A? I have 78 credit hours at this point. I'm essentially a science class and a writing class away from the credits I would need for an Associate's Degree from IUSB. And that would be an Associate's in Spanish. I don't think that allows for any advancement yet, so it's not a long term solution for what I'm wanting in terms of career. If I go part-time, which would mean no more than 9 credits per semester, if I need 130 credits to graduate, that's about 6 more semesters or three years, or some combination of summer classes and regular semesters, probably at least 2 years no matter which way it's broken down.
Or if I decide I want to switch my major from Spanish to Social Work or Psychology, how much more undergrad work would that require? So many questions with little in the way of answers. I never blog in search of answers or comments. I blog because I need to process through things in my brain and what is currently going on in my life. Here though, this time, I'm looking for thoughts and opinions. Sharing of experiences and things learned from them. I'm feeling at an impasse in many parts of my life and need some wisdom imparted from the people in my life, be you close by and talked to often, or far away and not kept in touch with enough. :)
Also, could potentially looking for alternative housing in the next 6 months, as I can't be a full-time student and live where I do. Needs to be affordable (duh), and at least 2 bedrooms, preferably 3.
Blah for blunt blogging, it's so much less pretty!
amor y paz,
me
He asked me when I think about the next year, what are my goals. And I honestly didn't know. I've been very focused on the here and now, figuring a lot of things out. I'm in a long distance relationship, I want to finish my degree, lots of things. There's been a lot of grey area between my personal life and my work life in terms of attempting to move forward and what does that mean.
There are a lot of changes and restructuring going on at work right now. Oaklawn has recently acquired 200+ employees as part of taking over a portion of Madison Center. There are still a lot of kinks being worked out, decisions being made, teams being established. I'm not entirely sure what that means for my job or Oaklawn as a whole. Good things, I'm sure. I have no concern about losing my job in all of this. What I'm feeling now is my lack of degree. The position I currently have at Oaklawn is pretty much as far as I can go sans official college degree. I have continually appreciated the recognition that I have already received for the work that I do and those kinds of things, but it is painfully obvious to me that the lack of degree is seriously effecting (affecting? I can never keep those two straight) any potential upward movement in the company.
I struggle with how I want to go about completing my degree. Do I do a degree completion progam, at Goshen College for instance? It means 18 months of very intense classes going full-time to get a B.S. in Organizational Leadership, while working full-time, parenting children as a single mom, and still maintaining my relationship, all of these things very important to me. Do I look at going part-time to finish my B.A? I have 78 credit hours at this point. I'm essentially a science class and a writing class away from the credits I would need for an Associate's Degree from IUSB. And that would be an Associate's in Spanish. I don't think that allows for any advancement yet, so it's not a long term solution for what I'm wanting in terms of career. If I go part-time, which would mean no more than 9 credits per semester, if I need 130 credits to graduate, that's about 6 more semesters or three years, or some combination of summer classes and regular semesters, probably at least 2 years no matter which way it's broken down.
Or if I decide I want to switch my major from Spanish to Social Work or Psychology, how much more undergrad work would that require? So many questions with little in the way of answers. I never blog in search of answers or comments. I blog because I need to process through things in my brain and what is currently going on in my life. Here though, this time, I'm looking for thoughts and opinions. Sharing of experiences and things learned from them. I'm feeling at an impasse in many parts of my life and need some wisdom imparted from the people in my life, be you close by and talked to often, or far away and not kept in touch with enough. :)
Also, could potentially looking for alternative housing in the next 6 months, as I can't be a full-time student and live where I do. Needs to be affordable (duh), and at least 2 bedrooms, preferably 3.
Blah for blunt blogging, it's so much less pretty!
amor y paz,
me
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thank God it's almost October!
I love my job, I really do. And I'm damn good at it, too. That said, this has to have been one of the most stressful months of my life. The past two years have been filled with major life changes and they seem mild to the stress I have felt this month. It's a sad state of affairs when my last thoughts before sleep are of Oaklawn and worrying about what I'm going to come into in the morning. Six months ago things were hard on my all boys unit. Acuity was high and all day, everyday was code after code dealing with unsafe behaviors, aggression and general insanity. Even that didn't feel as stressful.
People don't work in mental health for the money. It's a passion, you often feel like you give and you give with no return, but it's one of the most rewarding experiences. I need to remember that after weeks and months like these past few. There are the kids that you have such high hopes for, that are likable and if they could just see their own potential and the support that they have could do so many amazing things, but then they make that one super stupid decision that if you could find them, you'd want to smack them upside the head and ask them what the hell were they thinking. Those are the ones that discourage and make you question your sanity.
The kids I need to think about at times like this are the ones that I've watched grow and learn those things about themselves. Two weeks from tomorrow one of these kids will be moving to a group home, something that 6 months ago seemed like one of the worst ideas ever. I have truly been with this resident from the very beginning as I went with one other staff to pick the resident up from court and to bring to Oaklawn. When I first met this young person my first thoughts were: immature for the age, looked incredibly young and was very focused on bunnies, lol. Almost the entire drive back from court I heard about lop-eared bunnies and I swore if I heard the words lop and eared again I was going to go insane. Lop-eared bunnies are still a favorite, as are pretty much all animals, but there has been amazing growth too. I'm so proud of the accomplishments that have been made and that as a whole Oaklawn has been part of the growth for this person.
This needs to be my focus, the successes... but in the midst of the stress and disappointment, it's the most difficult to see.
amor y paz,
me
People don't work in mental health for the money. It's a passion, you often feel like you give and you give with no return, but it's one of the most rewarding experiences. I need to remember that after weeks and months like these past few. There are the kids that you have such high hopes for, that are likable and if they could just see their own potential and the support that they have could do so many amazing things, but then they make that one super stupid decision that if you could find them, you'd want to smack them upside the head and ask them what the hell were they thinking. Those are the ones that discourage and make you question your sanity.
The kids I need to think about at times like this are the ones that I've watched grow and learn those things about themselves. Two weeks from tomorrow one of these kids will be moving to a group home, something that 6 months ago seemed like one of the worst ideas ever. I have truly been with this resident from the very beginning as I went with one other staff to pick the resident up from court and to bring to Oaklawn. When I first met this young person my first thoughts were: immature for the age, looked incredibly young and was very focused on bunnies, lol. Almost the entire drive back from court I heard about lop-eared bunnies and I swore if I heard the words lop and eared again I was going to go insane. Lop-eared bunnies are still a favorite, as are pretty much all animals, but there has been amazing growth too. I'm so proud of the accomplishments that have been made and that as a whole Oaklawn has been part of the growth for this person.
This needs to be my focus, the successes... but in the midst of the stress and disappointment, it's the most difficult to see.
amor y paz,
me
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The world is a strange place
Like that's some kind of surprise. This morning the kids wanted to go to Sunday School, so I dropped them off in their rooms and decided to spend some time outside on the college campus. I sat on a bench and thought and watched and wished I'd had my computer then to blog, I was in the mood to write.
As I sat, one of the younger Sunday school groups came out very close to where I was, under a Buckeye tree to collect buckeyes, 12 each to represent the sons of Jacob. The girls all dressed up in their Sunday dresses, the boys running around not caring, and all of them very intent on getting their buckeyes. After they left I decided to collect a few for myself (I didn't count mine) and there was something very therapeutic about it. Looking at different buckeyes, all shapes and sizes, some still in their pods. They're really quite beautiful little nuts, I guess that's what they're called.
I've felt myself be so bogged down with life lately, the negative parts of life. I don't know why I've gotten in such a funk, it's hard to pull myself out sometimes. Life is good, even with the uncertainties I feel like will always be there. Questions that are bound to be there till forever, maybe not forever, but it feels that way for them as well. I'm happy with many things in my life, just wishing I could move forward in some ways and hold on to others longer.
amor y paz,
me
As I sat, one of the younger Sunday school groups came out very close to where I was, under a Buckeye tree to collect buckeyes, 12 each to represent the sons of Jacob. The girls all dressed up in their Sunday dresses, the boys running around not caring, and all of them very intent on getting their buckeyes. After they left I decided to collect a few for myself (I didn't count mine) and there was something very therapeutic about it. Looking at different buckeyes, all shapes and sizes, some still in their pods. They're really quite beautiful little nuts, I guess that's what they're called.
I've felt myself be so bogged down with life lately, the negative parts of life. I don't know why I've gotten in such a funk, it's hard to pull myself out sometimes. Life is good, even with the uncertainties I feel like will always be there. Questions that are bound to be there till forever, maybe not forever, but it feels that way for them as well. I'm happy with many things in my life, just wishing I could move forward in some ways and hold on to others longer.
amor y paz,
me
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tough times... or so they say
Last week at work brought about the announcement of (temporary) pay cuts and (permanent) health benefit increase in cost. All of that essentially means a 13% pay cut for the short term and 10% long term. It's not quite the reality of it, but that's how it feels. As I sat in the meeting with the president of Oaklawn and she announced the various measures to be taken, I was sad and worried. I already feel like I struggle to pay bills and still be able to do things with my children or even go out and have fun for myself. There's the additional stress of the need to move soon, personal life chaos, and just work and the nature of the kind of job that I have.
In addition to the concern and fear though, I felt hope... maybe that's not quite the right word. But I found I wasn't nearly as upset as I thought I should have been or as a lot of other people visibly were. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about the reduction in pay. It's scary when there are bills to be paid and all of the sudden you're not sure how the money will divvy itself out. But there's more to life than money.
Wednesday night a new chapter of life started, officially. So I came into work Thursday in a fabulous mood, so much so that not even announcements of the nature they were really bothered me. I'm feeling more focused, less in limbo, like there is finally a clear path to follow. Relationships are hard, no two ways about it, but even with the challenges of distance and various complications, this feels easier than anything I've previously experienced. I've found someone I can be completely open and honest with, whether that means sharing of my deepest fears, fighting out differences of opinion or just being silly and playful together. It's a freedom I've not felt before and it's induced a kind of euphoria, maybe that's the relief of knowing more clearly what all of this is, but I don't think so. I think it's a happiness that I've longed for and searched for for a long time. A connection that isn't something you find every day.
I sound like a sappy romance novel, but I don't care. It's nice to be needed, wanted and loved, as well as to need, want and love. Life is good, tough but good.
amor y paz,
me
In addition to the concern and fear though, I felt hope... maybe that's not quite the right word. But I found I wasn't nearly as upset as I thought I should have been or as a lot of other people visibly were. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about the reduction in pay. It's scary when there are bills to be paid and all of the sudden you're not sure how the money will divvy itself out. But there's more to life than money.
Wednesday night a new chapter of life started, officially. So I came into work Thursday in a fabulous mood, so much so that not even announcements of the nature they were really bothered me. I'm feeling more focused, less in limbo, like there is finally a clear path to follow. Relationships are hard, no two ways about it, but even with the challenges of distance and various complications, this feels easier than anything I've previously experienced. I've found someone I can be completely open and honest with, whether that means sharing of my deepest fears, fighting out differences of opinion or just being silly and playful together. It's a freedom I've not felt before and it's induced a kind of euphoria, maybe that's the relief of knowing more clearly what all of this is, but I don't think so. I think it's a happiness that I've longed for and searched for for a long time. A connection that isn't something you find every day.
I sound like a sappy romance novel, but I don't care. It's nice to be needed, wanted and loved, as well as to need, want and love. Life is good, tough but good.
amor y paz,
me
Friday, February 5, 2010
I'm still standing...
Sort of anyway. These last three weeks have been unbelievably rough on all fronts: work, personal, hobbies, just life in general I suppose. Added responsibility at work has been a blessing and a curse I suppose. I suppose it's a compliment that they think I can do it, but then again, who else would they downsized. :) But I did get a really nice email from my boss's boss, it was nice to be recognized.
Personally... things aren't really going in a direction I would have ever thought I need be concerned about. It's opened my eyes, hindsight is 20/20 they say and I'm feeling mighty blind in the here and now. I told my boss the other day that I'd like to just fast forward about six months when everything will be calmed down. I'll know where I'm living, work will hopefully be under control, and things on the personal side of life will have smoothed out. blah!
I'm quite certain this is going to be one of those posts that I come back to read later and think, "Yuck! This is why I don't write!" Ah well, it is what it is. It'd been a little while, so I wrote, and now it will probably be a little while again. :)
amor y paz,
me
Personally... things aren't really going in a direction I would have ever thought I need be concerned about. It's opened my eyes, hindsight is 20/20 they say and I'm feeling mighty blind in the here and now. I told my boss the other day that I'd like to just fast forward about six months when everything will be calmed down. I'll know where I'm living, work will hopefully be under control, and things on the personal side of life will have smoothed out. blah!
I'm quite certain this is going to be one of those posts that I come back to read later and think, "Yuck! This is why I don't write!" Ah well, it is what it is. It'd been a little while, so I wrote, and now it will probably be a little while again. :)
amor y paz,
me
Monday, October 19, 2009
Reflections
The last 16 months of my life have brought to light for me a lot of new things about myself, maybe not all new, but things I'd at the very least forgotten. I've had some moments that I'm not so proud of and others that I'm quite proud of. I'm a strong person and I think I always have been, but along the way I lost some of that. In some areas of my life I never had it to begin with. I'm realizing that in so many situations I will stand up for others and for what I believe in, but when it comes to going to bat for myself and taking control of my life, I often avoid it. I worry too much about who it might effect and how it might effect them, putting aside what it's doing to me in favor of not hurting the other person.
Part of learning these things about myself is I've done a much better job of establishing personal boundaries. This is a first for me, I've always lived kind of fast and loose. I'm a more valuable person than what I've let myself think I was in the past. I've sold myself short thinking that people... men in particular... would only ever want something to do with me if that's who I was. It's been a hard road to travel and it's taken me about 32 years to discover that's not true. And if it is true, those people aren't worth it. This last year has been hard. But they say that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm stronger now than I was a year ago. Not any less scared of what's to come or where life is going, but I'm stronger and that's important to me. Knowing that I'm making positive strides forward and that I'm learning more about myself every day has been very empowering. If I could bottle it up and sell it, I'm pretty sure I'd be a millionaire. My hope is that some day I'll tell someone my stories, one of the teens I work with or even my own children, and they'll be able to learn from my mistakes and be able to make more positive choices for themselves. I don't know if it will happen, I don't expect that it will. But I believe I'm in the right kind of job, doing exactly the kind of work I should be doing and surely my life experiences will benefit me in the workplace at some point. Either through sharing my highs and lows or just being able to lend a sympathetic ear because I understand what the person talking to me is going through.
amor y paz,
me
Part of learning these things about myself is I've done a much better job of establishing personal boundaries. This is a first for me, I've always lived kind of fast and loose. I'm a more valuable person than what I've let myself think I was in the past. I've sold myself short thinking that people... men in particular... would only ever want something to do with me if that's who I was. It's been a hard road to travel and it's taken me about 32 years to discover that's not true. And if it is true, those people aren't worth it. This last year has been hard. But they say that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm stronger now than I was a year ago. Not any less scared of what's to come or where life is going, but I'm stronger and that's important to me. Knowing that I'm making positive strides forward and that I'm learning more about myself every day has been very empowering. If I could bottle it up and sell it, I'm pretty sure I'd be a millionaire. My hope is that some day I'll tell someone my stories, one of the teens I work with or even my own children, and they'll be able to learn from my mistakes and be able to make more positive choices for themselves. I don't know if it will happen, I don't expect that it will. But I believe I'm in the right kind of job, doing exactly the kind of work I should be doing and surely my life experiences will benefit me in the workplace at some point. Either through sharing my highs and lows or just being able to lend a sympathetic ear because I understand what the person talking to me is going through.
amor y paz,
me
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Adventures in gardening
So I decided this year I wanted to plant a vegetable garden. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while, but decided to go through with it. Yay! There's the background for the start of my story.
So the weather's been getting nicer and I've been so happy to open windows and let fresh air into the house. Yesterday was no different. I got home from work after running some errands and picking Aidan up from school. As I'd woken up insanely late in the morning and not been able to shower, I thought before going to pick up the girls, I'd hop in the shower. Before that I decided to open windows and doors to enjoy the weather. The windows in my bedroom were open wide! I happily jumped in the shower and relaxed in the heat and steam. I got out of the shower and walked into my room and thought something smelled kind of off, but didn't think much more than that.
I finished getting ready and Aidan and I were off to pick up the girls and go grab some supper. Good times. We eat, we get home, we're chilling out... and then it's bedtime. Aidan goes to brush his teeth and when he comes back out to the living room and tells me the girls want the windows closed. Sure no problem. I walk into the bedroom and it smells AWFUL! Like something has curled up and died in the walls. I closed the windows and made sure to tell Maggie that she probably didn't want to open her windows, because I'm quite positive that whatever that smell is, it's coming from outside our house. Maybe it's all of the leaves left over from last fall decomposing? I don't know, but I'm planning to plant the next day anyway, so I figure I can just rake some leaves while I'm working on my garden.
My mom had agreed to help with the gardening and called me first thing this morning to figure out our plan for the day. We both have some errands to run and decide we should just do them together. Errands completed we return to my house. It's stinking cold outside this morning and I was not dressed well for being outside, so I came inside to get a sweatshirt. While doing so, I happened to glance out my window and what did I see? A dead raccoon. So I wasn't wrong about something curling up and dying! I for sure want to move this dead thing away from my window, so that I can actually have my windows open again sometime this summer. I go outside and grab one of the shovels that my mom has brought over for us to use. A small garden shovel mind you. I walk over to the dead raccoon and as I'm walking over there, I can already smell the stench that is this dead, rotting animal, and it's pretty nasty!
I tried to get the raccoon onto the shovel and only accomplished flipping it over. I thought the smell was bad before, OMG! I had to step away from the raccoon and came incredibly close to vomiting all over right then and there. Meanwhile, my mom is standing over to the side, laughing so hard she can barely stand up, let alone be any help whatsoever! I tried again a couple of times with the small shovel, all the while trying to hold my breath and not throw up the lunch I'd just eaten. I then decided it was time to get a bigger shovel. I got a snow shovel and still had some difficulty getting the raccoon onto it, but eventually got it. I then proceeded to carry the thing to the back of the property and throw it into the woods. The wind was working with my on the walk back to the woods, I couldn't smell a thing. But after I'd thrown the raccoon into the woods, I turned around to head back toward the house and was just about bowled over by the stench that apparently left a trail behind me. At that point, my stomach decided it'd had enough and I lost my lunch. dead raccoon: 1 - Elise: zero...
Oh and in the process of planting the garden... Ainsley was squirted twice with grub guts. It was one interesting process. :)
amor y paz,
me
So the weather's been getting nicer and I've been so happy to open windows and let fresh air into the house. Yesterday was no different. I got home from work after running some errands and picking Aidan up from school. As I'd woken up insanely late in the morning and not been able to shower, I thought before going to pick up the girls, I'd hop in the shower. Before that I decided to open windows and doors to enjoy the weather. The windows in my bedroom were open wide! I happily jumped in the shower and relaxed in the heat and steam. I got out of the shower and walked into my room and thought something smelled kind of off, but didn't think much more than that.
I finished getting ready and Aidan and I were off to pick up the girls and go grab some supper. Good times. We eat, we get home, we're chilling out... and then it's bedtime. Aidan goes to brush his teeth and when he comes back out to the living room and tells me the girls want the windows closed. Sure no problem. I walk into the bedroom and it smells AWFUL! Like something has curled up and died in the walls. I closed the windows and made sure to tell Maggie that she probably didn't want to open her windows, because I'm quite positive that whatever that smell is, it's coming from outside our house. Maybe it's all of the leaves left over from last fall decomposing? I don't know, but I'm planning to plant the next day anyway, so I figure I can just rake some leaves while I'm working on my garden.
My mom had agreed to help with the gardening and called me first thing this morning to figure out our plan for the day. We both have some errands to run and decide we should just do them together. Errands completed we return to my house. It's stinking cold outside this morning and I was not dressed well for being outside, so I came inside to get a sweatshirt. While doing so, I happened to glance out my window and what did I see? A dead raccoon. So I wasn't wrong about something curling up and dying! I for sure want to move this dead thing away from my window, so that I can actually have my windows open again sometime this summer. I go outside and grab one of the shovels that my mom has brought over for us to use. A small garden shovel mind you. I walk over to the dead raccoon and as I'm walking over there, I can already smell the stench that is this dead, rotting animal, and it's pretty nasty!
I tried to get the raccoon onto the shovel and only accomplished flipping it over. I thought the smell was bad before, OMG! I had to step away from the raccoon and came incredibly close to vomiting all over right then and there. Meanwhile, my mom is standing over to the side, laughing so hard she can barely stand up, let alone be any help whatsoever! I tried again a couple of times with the small shovel, all the while trying to hold my breath and not throw up the lunch I'd just eaten. I then decided it was time to get a bigger shovel. I got a snow shovel and still had some difficulty getting the raccoon onto it, but eventually got it. I then proceeded to carry the thing to the back of the property and throw it into the woods. The wind was working with my on the walk back to the woods, I couldn't smell a thing. But after I'd thrown the raccoon into the woods, I turned around to head back toward the house and was just about bowled over by the stench that apparently left a trail behind me. At that point, my stomach decided it'd had enough and I lost my lunch. dead raccoon: 1 - Elise: zero...
Oh and in the process of planting the garden... Ainsley was squirted twice with grub guts. It was one interesting process. :)
amor y paz,
me
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Finding me
Come to me, all you who are troubled and weighted down with care, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and become like me, for I am gentle and without pride, and you will have rest for your souls; For my yoke is good, and the weight I take up is not hard. - Matthew 11: 28 - 30
I have no idea what I think about religion or God or spirituality or any of that. But it's funny that what often gives me comfort are often related to these aspects. This verse came to me the first time at a time in my life when I was really struggling with many aspects. Being a mom, being a wife, being a church youth sponsor, being a daughter... all of these things that I thought people had expectations for what it meant for me to be these things. But what does that even mean? Being worried about what I thought other people thought I should be was such a hard way to live. I was setting myself up to fail and to be continually stressed in a major way. And I was.
The first time I read this verse it was a such a light bulb moment for me. Regardless of what I thought about religion, regardless of what I thought about God, here was this verse reaching out to me, telling me that there was something out there willing to take on some of these burdens that I had taken on myself. It made me realize I was taking on burdens that weren't even really there. It was part of what started the realization that I am a legitimate person as I am. I am an amazing person, talented and smart, energetic and enthusiastic, passionate and caring, selfless and giving... but that it's also fine for me to have the moments when I am selfish and self-absorbed, bitchy and uncaring. It doesn't make me less of positive person that I am the majority of the time if I have the moments of self-doubt and bitchiness.
In some ways all of these things sound horribly conceited, but that's not my intent. Everyone should realize what their strengths are and what makes them the amazing people that they are. We all have different gifts and passions, it's what keeps life interesting. It'd be pretty boring if we were all the same and all liked the same things. I guess this is my way to encourage people to find who they are and love that person.
amor y paz,
me
I have no idea what I think about religion or God or spirituality or any of that. But it's funny that what often gives me comfort are often related to these aspects. This verse came to me the first time at a time in my life when I was really struggling with many aspects. Being a mom, being a wife, being a church youth sponsor, being a daughter... all of these things that I thought people had expectations for what it meant for me to be these things. But what does that even mean? Being worried about what I thought other people thought I should be was such a hard way to live. I was setting myself up to fail and to be continually stressed in a major way. And I was.
The first time I read this verse it was a such a light bulb moment for me. Regardless of what I thought about religion, regardless of what I thought about God, here was this verse reaching out to me, telling me that there was something out there willing to take on some of these burdens that I had taken on myself. It made me realize I was taking on burdens that weren't even really there. It was part of what started the realization that I am a legitimate person as I am. I am an amazing person, talented and smart, energetic and enthusiastic, passionate and caring, selfless and giving... but that it's also fine for me to have the moments when I am selfish and self-absorbed, bitchy and uncaring. It doesn't make me less of positive person that I am the majority of the time if I have the moments of self-doubt and bitchiness.
In some ways all of these things sound horribly conceited, but that's not my intent. Everyone should realize what their strengths are and what makes them the amazing people that they are. We all have different gifts and passions, it's what keeps life interesting. It'd be pretty boring if we were all the same and all liked the same things. I guess this is my way to encourage people to find who they are and love that person.
amor y paz,
me
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
So many changes
This has been a seriously crazy 7 months. Things are going really well, but I sort of feel like I can't catch my breath. I don't really enjoy the monotony of routine, or at least traditionally I haven't. But now I find myself kind of craving that exact monotony. At least when it comes to work. It's really scary not knowing from week to week if I'm going to be able to get enough work in to be able to pay my bills. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that I actually have a job, so many people don't even have that right now, but I don't know how much better the uncertainty of week to week is.
This month has been an interesting transition as well. I really like having a roommate, it's nice not to feel so lonely. It has been a bit more stressful getting used to a roommate again on top of having my children though. We're still getting used to each other and my kids, while they are generally good kids, are going through a lot of transition too, and it's been hard for them. They're excited about having a new person in their lives. They're scared about the changes that seem to keep happening. I would just kind of like things to normalize so we can all get used to being together again and enjoy that time. I don't feel like I've been a very good mom. I'm too short with them. They're just kids. They have so little control over what goes on around them. I can hardly blame them for feeling totally out of control right now.
And then there's just my life. I've figured a lot out for myself and am feeling really good, better than I have in years really. But it's definitely an adjustment, this whole being single thing. I know without a doubt that I am in no way interested in a committed relationship now, but I do want companionship. I've spent too much of my life validating who I am as a person through the relationships I've been in. Then I hit 27 and had no clue who I was. I want to be my own person. So I'm trying to be my own person and hang out with people who can allow me to do that and whom I can also allow to do so. Whether it's just friends or whatever.
It's rocky waters, trying to navigate the fine line between, hey I'd like to hang out and what is dating. I mean let's face it, I've never been a person who dates casually or just hangs out. I've always either been single or in a relationship, and really most of the time I've been in a relationship. And of course on top of all of that, I have my kids to consider. I don't want to just be hanging out with friends and I know that that's all it is, but my kids feel like it's something more. They are so easily attached to people. And in these past few months of constant changes, they're looking for stability. So many things to consider.
I'm looking forward to February and having the chance to express myself again through theater. It feeds my soul and I am a better person for doing it. Maybe I'll figure some more things out in the process. It's hard to change who I am after all of these years. But I do know that I'm a better person for having figured out more of who I am. And I will be better for my children and for any future friendships, relationships.... things in the future. For now, I guess that's good enough.
amor y paz,
me
This month has been an interesting transition as well. I really like having a roommate, it's nice not to feel so lonely. It has been a bit more stressful getting used to a roommate again on top of having my children though. We're still getting used to each other and my kids, while they are generally good kids, are going through a lot of transition too, and it's been hard for them. They're excited about having a new person in their lives. They're scared about the changes that seem to keep happening. I would just kind of like things to normalize so we can all get used to being together again and enjoy that time. I don't feel like I've been a very good mom. I'm too short with them. They're just kids. They have so little control over what goes on around them. I can hardly blame them for feeling totally out of control right now.
And then there's just my life. I've figured a lot out for myself and am feeling really good, better than I have in years really. But it's definitely an adjustment, this whole being single thing. I know without a doubt that I am in no way interested in a committed relationship now, but I do want companionship. I've spent too much of my life validating who I am as a person through the relationships I've been in. Then I hit 27 and had no clue who I was. I want to be my own person. So I'm trying to be my own person and hang out with people who can allow me to do that and whom I can also allow to do so. Whether it's just friends or whatever.
It's rocky waters, trying to navigate the fine line between, hey I'd like to hang out and what is dating. I mean let's face it, I've never been a person who dates casually or just hangs out. I've always either been single or in a relationship, and really most of the time I've been in a relationship. And of course on top of all of that, I have my kids to consider. I don't want to just be hanging out with friends and I know that that's all it is, but my kids feel like it's something more. They are so easily attached to people. And in these past few months of constant changes, they're looking for stability. So many things to consider.
I'm looking forward to February and having the chance to express myself again through theater. It feeds my soul and I am a better person for doing it. Maybe I'll figure some more things out in the process. It's hard to change who I am after all of these years. But I do know that I'm a better person for having figured out more of who I am. And I will be better for my children and for any future friendships, relationships.... things in the future. For now, I guess that's good enough.
amor y paz,
me
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Like sands through the hourglass....
Ok, so that's a totally silly title, but it just seemed like fun. I used to love to watch 'Days of Our Lives' with my mom when I was a kid. I can't stand soap operas now, telenovelas are more amusing.
Anywho, I found out tonight that my future roommate's mom (Hi, Judy!) has been reading here, so I thought I'd say hi. Then it made me wonder how many people actually read this blog. I post so sporadically that it seems like it wouldn't get much traffic. Anywho, if you feel like telling me you read this blog, leave a comment. Sometimes my curiosity just gets the better of me. :)
amor y paz,
me
Anywho, I found out tonight that my future roommate's mom (Hi, Judy!) has been reading here, so I thought I'd say hi. Then it made me wonder how many people actually read this blog. I post so sporadically that it seems like it wouldn't get much traffic. Anywho, if you feel like telling me you read this blog, leave a comment. Sometimes my curiosity just gets the better of me. :)
amor y paz,
me
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A moment of clarity
I think sleep deprivation is seriously fucking with my brain. I've been up since 5:30, of the a.m. variety, and that is just not me at all. I'm sitting here thinking about myself, which lately has not been a good thing, it's tended to make me moody and rather full of self-loathing. As I sit here tonight though, the self-loathing is strangely absent.
What normally brings it on is thinking about decisions I've made, the way I live my life... how will potential future people I meet react to those decisions, be they people that could be potential partners, or just friends. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, but am hopeful that if people can know me for who I am now, that those decisions won't weigh in too heavily on their opinion of me. For the most part, it concerns me little what people think of me, I've gotten over the need to have everyone's approval, but there is still the piece of me that worries occasionally. It's hard to get rid of that completely.
Anywho, so my moment of clarity... so as I'm sitting here being concerned about the decisions I've made and what kind of person it's made me, instead of getting all hormonal or emo or whatever you want to call it, I just thought, that's the way it is. And maybe it's not so undeserved. And I'm not feeling bitter or unhappy about it, rather almost at peace. I am who I am. I've tried changing that and been miserable because of it. This is me, I've made some shit decisions. I hope that I've grown and learned from them so that I'll not be cursed to repeat them... again.
amor y paz,
me
What normally brings it on is thinking about decisions I've made, the way I live my life... how will potential future people I meet react to those decisions, be they people that could be potential partners, or just friends. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, but am hopeful that if people can know me for who I am now, that those decisions won't weigh in too heavily on their opinion of me. For the most part, it concerns me little what people think of me, I've gotten over the need to have everyone's approval, but there is still the piece of me that worries occasionally. It's hard to get rid of that completely.
Anywho, so my moment of clarity... so as I'm sitting here being concerned about the decisions I've made and what kind of person it's made me, instead of getting all hormonal or emo or whatever you want to call it, I just thought, that's the way it is. And maybe it's not so undeserved. And I'm not feeling bitter or unhappy about it, rather almost at peace. I am who I am. I've tried changing that and been miserable because of it. This is me, I've made some shit decisions. I hope that I've grown and learned from them so that I'll not be cursed to repeat them... again.
amor y paz,
me
Monday, November 3, 2008
Another day, another week, another month
And they've all been good. Last week was a bit of a struggle. As much as I was ready for the musical to be over, there's always a let down. I missed people and the chaos, surprisingly. The moodiness and hormones aside, it's been a good time.
My kids are here. They've been with me for a week and will be with me for a few more days. It's been a bit of an adjustment for all of us, but we're getting there. Being a single mom is hard, but I know that what we're doing is for the best. I've had different people tell me that they can see a change in me. I'm more fun and "more my old self." The old self part seems kind of weird to me, because I know I've changed a lot recently. But maybe it's been more about rediscovering the parts of who I was that I'd lost along the way, while at the same time discovering some incredible inner strength that I never realized was there. And part of that has also been admitting that I'm not always as strong as I appear to be. I need to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, lonely and down. I have amazing friends and support, I need to trust that they're just as much there for me as I am for them. It's hard to let some of that go, it's hard to admit that I need help. I'm so often the person that my friends come to when they need support and additional strength, it's hard to show weakness, at least what I perceive as weakness in myself.
I'm getting there. It's terrifying giving that kind of power to other people. I've done it before and been burned, so I tend to shy away from it now. I appreciate all of the patience and love and concern all of my friends have shown me. I know logically that they're as much of a support for me as I am for them, it's just getting past the fear of discovering that maybe people aren't who I think they are and my general distrust of people as a whole. I guess all of that is to say, I love and appreciate my friends. And I'm happy that I've finally been able to find people to whom I can once again give my trust and loyalty.
amor y paz,
me
My kids are here. They've been with me for a week and will be with me for a few more days. It's been a bit of an adjustment for all of us, but we're getting there. Being a single mom is hard, but I know that what we're doing is for the best. I've had different people tell me that they can see a change in me. I'm more fun and "more my old self." The old self part seems kind of weird to me, because I know I've changed a lot recently. But maybe it's been more about rediscovering the parts of who I was that I'd lost along the way, while at the same time discovering some incredible inner strength that I never realized was there. And part of that has also been admitting that I'm not always as strong as I appear to be. I need to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, lonely and down. I have amazing friends and support, I need to trust that they're just as much there for me as I am for them. It's hard to let some of that go, it's hard to admit that I need help. I'm so often the person that my friends come to when they need support and additional strength, it's hard to show weakness, at least what I perceive as weakness in myself.
I'm getting there. It's terrifying giving that kind of power to other people. I've done it before and been burned, so I tend to shy away from it now. I appreciate all of the patience and love and concern all of my friends have shown me. I know logically that they're as much of a support for me as I am for them, it's just getting past the fear of discovering that maybe people aren't who I think they are and my general distrust of people as a whole. I guess all of that is to say, I love and appreciate my friends. And I'm happy that I've finally been able to find people to whom I can once again give my trust and loyalty.
amor y paz,
me
Monday, September 1, 2008
Ambient noise
Is it possible for things to be silent, even if there are noises? This evening I was reading my book and kept thinking how quiet it feels. But does quiet have a feeling? I don't know if it does, but that's the only name I could really give to the way I'm feeling right now. There are crickets and cicadas and the cars out on the highway.... my refrigerator, the upstairs neighbor's TV that is always on till all hours of the night, only turned off when it's time for bed at which point NPR takes over. But still it feels silent.
There's no Godspell or talking in sleep from my children. There's no one's regular breathing of sleep, nor the creak of a water heater and pipes I'd taken for granted for so many years. Now there are new noises that don't seem like noise at all. Am I just weird? I suppose I am.
Today I took my kids for a picnic and one of my favorite places, a local river preserve. I knew we hadn't had rain in quite some time, but the stark reality of it hit me as I looked at the waterless waterfall. My children and I walked through the shallow water at the top searching for shells and sticks and rocks, the water barely reaching my knees. I often go there to take pictures of nature, to play with my camera and my ability to zoom, blah blah blah, but the things I normally love to take pictures of weren't there. It was depressing. Still we had fun, just a stark reality I wasn't prepared to see. Funny how we come across those moments when we least expect them, I suppose that's why they're unexpected, right?
The ambient noise of life is shifting. It's not a bad thing or a good thing per se, just a thing. I suppose I'll get used to it. Just another thing in the grand scheme of life that is changing. But I'm discovering almost daily that change is indeed a good thing.
amor y paz,
me
There's no Godspell or talking in sleep from my children. There's no one's regular breathing of sleep, nor the creak of a water heater and pipes I'd taken for granted for so many years. Now there are new noises that don't seem like noise at all. Am I just weird? I suppose I am.
Today I took my kids for a picnic and one of my favorite places, a local river preserve. I knew we hadn't had rain in quite some time, but the stark reality of it hit me as I looked at the waterless waterfall. My children and I walked through the shallow water at the top searching for shells and sticks and rocks, the water barely reaching my knees. I often go there to take pictures of nature, to play with my camera and my ability to zoom, blah blah blah, but the things I normally love to take pictures of weren't there. It was depressing. Still we had fun, just a stark reality I wasn't prepared to see. Funny how we come across those moments when we least expect them, I suppose that's why they're unexpected, right?
The ambient noise of life is shifting. It's not a bad thing or a good thing per se, just a thing. I suppose I'll get used to it. Just another thing in the grand scheme of life that is changing. But I'm discovering almost daily that change is indeed a good thing.
amor y paz,
me
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Simplicity and Indpendence
Really neither of those has anything to do with the other, but I liked the way it sounded.
I feel like the past year I've changed a lot and that I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin then I used to be. While I still consider myself to be an extroverted person, I find now that there is more enjoyment in the simplicity of life around me. I never would have thought I would be a person that would just sit in nature and listen to the sounds around me, especially in the age of electronics and distractions beyond imagination. But I find myself with the increasing desire to do exactly that. It's amazing what goes on in the world around us that we miss because we are so concentrated on the next task. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some gadgets and electronic entertainment at times, but they no longer feel as necessary as they once did.
Ok, so maybe they're kind of related, part of discovering who I am is an increased need for independence, to be able to figure out how to do things for myself, like fix my car. It's nice to have friends who know how to do things and are willing to actually teach me how to do them instead of just doing them for me. My car, god love the piece of shit that it is, has had problem after problem. It's gotten a little ridiculous really, but I am determined to learn how not only to maintain it on my own, but also be able to fix it when the need arises, as I am sure it will continue to do. So I've changed a hose and tightened a hose and am getting ready to embark on the adventure that will be learning how to change the thermostat. And crossing my fingers/making sacrifices to the god of cars/praying/wishing on a star that after this my car will decide it's done overheating. Here's hoping!
All of these ramblings to say, I know I'm a stronger, more independent woman through all of this and I just need to keep reminding myself of that during the times that are hard and lonely. Fortunately so far, those have been few and far between. Who knows, maybe I'll open up my own repair shop for 1991 Honda Accords when it's all said and done..... or maybe not.
amor y paz,
me
I feel like the past year I've changed a lot and that I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin then I used to be. While I still consider myself to be an extroverted person, I find now that there is more enjoyment in the simplicity of life around me. I never would have thought I would be a person that would just sit in nature and listen to the sounds around me, especially in the age of electronics and distractions beyond imagination. But I find myself with the increasing desire to do exactly that. It's amazing what goes on in the world around us that we miss because we are so concentrated on the next task. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some gadgets and electronic entertainment at times, but they no longer feel as necessary as they once did.
Ok, so maybe they're kind of related, part of discovering who I am is an increased need for independence, to be able to figure out how to do things for myself, like fix my car. It's nice to have friends who know how to do things and are willing to actually teach me how to do them instead of just doing them for me. My car, god love the piece of shit that it is, has had problem after problem. It's gotten a little ridiculous really, but I am determined to learn how not only to maintain it on my own, but also be able to fix it when the need arises, as I am sure it will continue to do. So I've changed a hose and tightened a hose and am getting ready to embark on the adventure that will be learning how to change the thermostat. And crossing my fingers/making sacrifices to the god of cars/praying/wishing on a star that after this my car will decide it's done overheating. Here's hoping!
All of these ramblings to say, I know I'm a stronger, more independent woman through all of this and I just need to keep reminding myself of that during the times that are hard and lonely. Fortunately so far, those have been few and far between. Who knows, maybe I'll open up my own repair shop for 1991 Honda Accords when it's all said and done..... or maybe not.
amor y paz,
me
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A sense of normalcy
So life has been pretty crazy. I still don't have a place of my own and I'm pretty ready to have that. I am unbelievably grateful to my friends for letting me stay with them, I have amazing people in my life that have been wonderfully supportive, but I'm ready to move forward. I feel like that can't happen until I have a place to call my own, be it an apartment or a house.
Despite the upheaval and uncertainty, life is good. I have work, which is huge considering all of the insanity that is the current economy, so that is a good thing. My kids seem to be doing quite well considering how different things have been as well. I'm still not able to be with them as much as I would like, but it's just kind of necessary right now. If I'm ever going to get my own place, I have to work, but working of course takes time away from them. It's taking some getting used to, but overall it's a good thing. (I feel like Martha Stewart saying that.)
I'm healthier and happier AND I've lost weight, so that's pretty exciting too. Now all I need is a windfall of money so I can buy a new wardrobe. I have no ass in my jeans any more, it's kind of crazy. It's amazing what not sitting around eating all of the time and working at the bookstore has done for my body. I've got muscle in my arms and my legs. There's not nearly as much flab as there used to be and I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd been feeling good about myself, comfortable in my own body, but I have to say, this weight loss thing feels even better.
I'm feeling kind of random and scattered right now, in case it's not noticeable in my writing. I'm just feeling good, something I haven't felt on a consistent basis for a very long time. I don't have to be doing something in theater or out drinking with friends or avoiding my "normal" life to be happy. And that's what I'd been doing. It's so good to be happy. I have been smiling so much, it's kind of crazy.
Anywho, love and much thanks to all of my friends who've been so supportive and awesome. I wouldn't be here without you.
amor y paz,
me
Despite the upheaval and uncertainty, life is good. I have work, which is huge considering all of the insanity that is the current economy, so that is a good thing. My kids seem to be doing quite well considering how different things have been as well. I'm still not able to be with them as much as I would like, but it's just kind of necessary right now. If I'm ever going to get my own place, I have to work, but working of course takes time away from them. It's taking some getting used to, but overall it's a good thing. (I feel like Martha Stewart saying that.)
I'm healthier and happier AND I've lost weight, so that's pretty exciting too. Now all I need is a windfall of money so I can buy a new wardrobe. I have no ass in my jeans any more, it's kind of crazy. It's amazing what not sitting around eating all of the time and working at the bookstore has done for my body. I've got muscle in my arms and my legs. There's not nearly as much flab as there used to be and I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd been feeling good about myself, comfortable in my own body, but I have to say, this weight loss thing feels even better.
I'm feeling kind of random and scattered right now, in case it's not noticeable in my writing. I'm just feeling good, something I haven't felt on a consistent basis for a very long time. I don't have to be doing something in theater or out drinking with friends or avoiding my "normal" life to be happy. And that's what I'd been doing. It's so good to be happy. I have been smiling so much, it's kind of crazy.
Anywho, love and much thanks to all of my friends who've been so supportive and awesome. I wouldn't be here without you.
amor y paz,
me
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