Is it possible for things to be silent, even if there are noises? This evening I was reading my book and kept thinking how quiet it feels. But does quiet have a feeling? I don't know if it does, but that's the only name I could really give to the way I'm feeling right now. There are crickets and cicadas and the cars out on the highway.... my refrigerator, the upstairs neighbor's TV that is always on till all hours of the night, only turned off when it's time for bed at which point NPR takes over. But still it feels silent.
There's no Godspell or talking in sleep from my children. There's no one's regular breathing of sleep, nor the creak of a water heater and pipes I'd taken for granted for so many years. Now there are new noises that don't seem like noise at all. Am I just weird? I suppose I am.
Today I took my kids for a picnic and one of my favorite places, a local river preserve. I knew we hadn't had rain in quite some time, but the stark reality of it hit me as I looked at the waterless waterfall. My children and I walked through the shallow water at the top searching for shells and sticks and rocks, the water barely reaching my knees. I often go there to take pictures of nature, to play with my camera and my ability to zoom, blah blah blah, but the things I normally love to take pictures of weren't there. It was depressing. Still we had fun, just a stark reality I wasn't prepared to see. Funny how we come across those moments when we least expect them, I suppose that's why they're unexpected, right?
The ambient noise of life is shifting. It's not a bad thing or a good thing per se, just a thing. I suppose I'll get used to it. Just another thing in the grand scheme of life that is changing. But I'm discovering almost daily that change is indeed a good thing.
amor y paz,
me
Monday, September 1, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Simplicity and Indpendence
Really neither of those has anything to do with the other, but I liked the way it sounded.
I feel like the past year I've changed a lot and that I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin then I used to be. While I still consider myself to be an extroverted person, I find now that there is more enjoyment in the simplicity of life around me. I never would have thought I would be a person that would just sit in nature and listen to the sounds around me, especially in the age of electronics and distractions beyond imagination. But I find myself with the increasing desire to do exactly that. It's amazing what goes on in the world around us that we miss because we are so concentrated on the next task. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some gadgets and electronic entertainment at times, but they no longer feel as necessary as they once did.
Ok, so maybe they're kind of related, part of discovering who I am is an increased need for independence, to be able to figure out how to do things for myself, like fix my car. It's nice to have friends who know how to do things and are willing to actually teach me how to do them instead of just doing them for me. My car, god love the piece of shit that it is, has had problem after problem. It's gotten a little ridiculous really, but I am determined to learn how not only to maintain it on my own, but also be able to fix it when the need arises, as I am sure it will continue to do. So I've changed a hose and tightened a hose and am getting ready to embark on the adventure that will be learning how to change the thermostat. And crossing my fingers/making sacrifices to the god of cars/praying/wishing on a star that after this my car will decide it's done overheating. Here's hoping!
All of these ramblings to say, I know I'm a stronger, more independent woman through all of this and I just need to keep reminding myself of that during the times that are hard and lonely. Fortunately so far, those have been few and far between. Who knows, maybe I'll open up my own repair shop for 1991 Honda Accords when it's all said and done..... or maybe not.
amor y paz,
me
I feel like the past year I've changed a lot and that I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin then I used to be. While I still consider myself to be an extroverted person, I find now that there is more enjoyment in the simplicity of life around me. I never would have thought I would be a person that would just sit in nature and listen to the sounds around me, especially in the age of electronics and distractions beyond imagination. But I find myself with the increasing desire to do exactly that. It's amazing what goes on in the world around us that we miss because we are so concentrated on the next task. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some gadgets and electronic entertainment at times, but they no longer feel as necessary as they once did.
Ok, so maybe they're kind of related, part of discovering who I am is an increased need for independence, to be able to figure out how to do things for myself, like fix my car. It's nice to have friends who know how to do things and are willing to actually teach me how to do them instead of just doing them for me. My car, god love the piece of shit that it is, has had problem after problem. It's gotten a little ridiculous really, but I am determined to learn how not only to maintain it on my own, but also be able to fix it when the need arises, as I am sure it will continue to do. So I've changed a hose and tightened a hose and am getting ready to embark on the adventure that will be learning how to change the thermostat. And crossing my fingers/making sacrifices to the god of cars/praying/wishing on a star that after this my car will decide it's done overheating. Here's hoping!
All of these ramblings to say, I know I'm a stronger, more independent woman through all of this and I just need to keep reminding myself of that during the times that are hard and lonely. Fortunately so far, those have been few and far between. Who knows, maybe I'll open up my own repair shop for 1991 Honda Accords when it's all said and done..... or maybe not.
amor y paz,
me
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A sense of normalcy
So life has been pretty crazy. I still don't have a place of my own and I'm pretty ready to have that. I am unbelievably grateful to my friends for letting me stay with them, I have amazing people in my life that have been wonderfully supportive, but I'm ready to move forward. I feel like that can't happen until I have a place to call my own, be it an apartment or a house.
Despite the upheaval and uncertainty, life is good. I have work, which is huge considering all of the insanity that is the current economy, so that is a good thing. My kids seem to be doing quite well considering how different things have been as well. I'm still not able to be with them as much as I would like, but it's just kind of necessary right now. If I'm ever going to get my own place, I have to work, but working of course takes time away from them. It's taking some getting used to, but overall it's a good thing. (I feel like Martha Stewart saying that.)
I'm healthier and happier AND I've lost weight, so that's pretty exciting too. Now all I need is a windfall of money so I can buy a new wardrobe. I have no ass in my jeans any more, it's kind of crazy. It's amazing what not sitting around eating all of the time and working at the bookstore has done for my body. I've got muscle in my arms and my legs. There's not nearly as much flab as there used to be and I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd been feeling good about myself, comfortable in my own body, but I have to say, this weight loss thing feels even better.
I'm feeling kind of random and scattered right now, in case it's not noticeable in my writing. I'm just feeling good, something I haven't felt on a consistent basis for a very long time. I don't have to be doing something in theater or out drinking with friends or avoiding my "normal" life to be happy. And that's what I'd been doing. It's so good to be happy. I have been smiling so much, it's kind of crazy.
Anywho, love and much thanks to all of my friends who've been so supportive and awesome. I wouldn't be here without you.
amor y paz,
me
Despite the upheaval and uncertainty, life is good. I have work, which is huge considering all of the insanity that is the current economy, so that is a good thing. My kids seem to be doing quite well considering how different things have been as well. I'm still not able to be with them as much as I would like, but it's just kind of necessary right now. If I'm ever going to get my own place, I have to work, but working of course takes time away from them. It's taking some getting used to, but overall it's a good thing. (I feel like Martha Stewart saying that.)
I'm healthier and happier AND I've lost weight, so that's pretty exciting too. Now all I need is a windfall of money so I can buy a new wardrobe. I have no ass in my jeans any more, it's kind of crazy. It's amazing what not sitting around eating all of the time and working at the bookstore has done for my body. I've got muscle in my arms and my legs. There's not nearly as much flab as there used to be and I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd been feeling good about myself, comfortable in my own body, but I have to say, this weight loss thing feels even better.
I'm feeling kind of random and scattered right now, in case it's not noticeable in my writing. I'm just feeling good, something I haven't felt on a consistent basis for a very long time. I don't have to be doing something in theater or out drinking with friends or avoiding my "normal" life to be happy. And that's what I'd been doing. It's so good to be happy. I have been smiling so much, it's kind of crazy.
Anywho, love and much thanks to all of my friends who've been so supportive and awesome. I wouldn't be here without you.
amor y paz,
me
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
¡Estoy muy frustrada!
So yesterday I got a job! Woot, I'm gainfully employed, that is so amazingly awesome.
Then this morning I go out to my car and the exhaust system is hanging off the bottom. Well fuck... I bought a new muffler Monday so I could replace the one that fell off last summer, but hadn't had a chance to put it on yet, so I suppose that's a good thing. Now I can return it because the mechanic won't use it. He said when they lifted the car up to look at it, the entire thing from the catalytic converter back just fell off. Well fuck even more! He said they're taking it to another place and it'll probably cost about $250 to put everything back on, but my understanding is that they're going to reattach everything. If I had to buy all new stuff, it'd cost way too much.
I'm so frustrated right now. So much money has been sunk into that car. It was well taken care of, but ya know, they offloaded it before all this stuff went to shit and I have to say I feel pretty damn cheated. I'm also frustrated because a better car could have been purchased for all the money that's been dumped into this one. Something newer with less issues... and I'm frustrated I let myself be talked out of taking that path.
I'm just pissed off and frustrated right now. Good news with the job, but then it's just more shit that I can't afford. I want to be able to save money to get my own place so that I can start having my kids with me and not have to be at the house. Yeah... so anywho, is it possible to be elated and totally pissed off all at the same time??
amor y paz,
me
Then this morning I go out to my car and the exhaust system is hanging off the bottom. Well fuck... I bought a new muffler Monday so I could replace the one that fell off last summer, but hadn't had a chance to put it on yet, so I suppose that's a good thing. Now I can return it because the mechanic won't use it. He said when they lifted the car up to look at it, the entire thing from the catalytic converter back just fell off. Well fuck even more! He said they're taking it to another place and it'll probably cost about $250 to put everything back on, but my understanding is that they're going to reattach everything. If I had to buy all new stuff, it'd cost way too much.
I'm so frustrated right now. So much money has been sunk into that car. It was well taken care of, but ya know, they offloaded it before all this stuff went to shit and I have to say I feel pretty damn cheated. I'm also frustrated because a better car could have been purchased for all the money that's been dumped into this one. Something newer with less issues... and I'm frustrated I let myself be talked out of taking that path.
I'm just pissed off and frustrated right now. Good news with the job, but then it's just more shit that I can't afford. I want to be able to save money to get my own place so that I can start having my kids with me and not have to be at the house. Yeah... so anywho, is it possible to be elated and totally pissed off all at the same time??
amor y paz,
me
Friday, June 20, 2008
Worst day of my life
So as many of you have probably already surmised (I say that like I have some kind of huge following or something), I am getting a divorce. It's absolutely what needs to happen and I know it's for the best, but today was the day that we told our children. Shittiest person ever... that's how I have felt most of this day. I know without a doubt that this is what needs to happen, but watching my son cry and cover his head and say he didn't want to hear anymore... and my daughter cry and just want to be cuddled... it was awful.
It sucks when something I know is right, hurts so bad. Tonight, I am without my children. Things will never be the same. The house that I have lived in with them for the past almost 10 years, is no longer my home. That is such a weird feeling. Now I'm just kind of transient. I'm looking for a job and until I can find one, I have no definite place to stay. It should be an interesting next few weeks.
I'm generally not this blunt and unpoetic in my blogging, feels kind of weird, but this is something I just need to get out there. If you have any ideas about jobs (they pretty much need to be in Goshen), feel free to pass those ideas along. Apartments, also something I'll be looking for once the whole job thing happens.
Anywho, for those of you who already know and have offered words of support and friendship, I can't thank you enough. This has probably been the longest week of my life and the hugs and love expressed have been... I just can't truly express how much they've meant to me. So thank you. I do believe this whole blunt blogging thing will end with this, I'd like to go back to the more poetic me.... it's better that way.
con mucho amor y agradecimiento,
me
It sucks when something I know is right, hurts so bad. Tonight, I am without my children. Things will never be the same. The house that I have lived in with them for the past almost 10 years, is no longer my home. That is such a weird feeling. Now I'm just kind of transient. I'm looking for a job and until I can find one, I have no definite place to stay. It should be an interesting next few weeks.
I'm generally not this blunt and unpoetic in my blogging, feels kind of weird, but this is something I just need to get out there. If you have any ideas about jobs (they pretty much need to be in Goshen), feel free to pass those ideas along. Apartments, also something I'll be looking for once the whole job thing happens.
Anywho, for those of you who already know and have offered words of support and friendship, I can't thank you enough. This has probably been the longest week of my life and the hugs and love expressed have been... I just can't truly express how much they've meant to me. So thank you. I do believe this whole blunt blogging thing will end with this, I'd like to go back to the more poetic me.... it's better that way.
con mucho amor y agradecimiento,
me
Monday, June 16, 2008
Wow.... hard
There are decisions in life that we are faced with, some hard... some easy. Tonight was one of the hardest nights of my life. The path before me was split, in far too many ways really, and I decided to take the path up the mountain. The path obscured by fog and indecision, the path full of the unknown. Will it be passable? I don't know, I can only hope at this point.
Sometimes you look down the paths of life and you can see a clear passage. It's so easy to take those paths, to follow them, blinders on or worse yet eyes closed to the other options. I have done that for so long. Now I'm prepared to stop. I have taken my first step towards the absolute unknown and I'm scared shitless.
I know that I've made the right decision, but damn, that doesn't make it an easy one, not in the least. My biggest concern at this point is how will this path I've chosen effect not only my life but the lives of my children. Will we all be OK when we reach the top? Hopefully we'll climb together and support one another and come out the other side stronger people for having traveled the unknown. My fear is that by the time we reach the top, they'll want nothing to do with me ever again.
amor y paz,
me
Sometimes you look down the paths of life and you can see a clear passage. It's so easy to take those paths, to follow them, blinders on or worse yet eyes closed to the other options. I have done that for so long. Now I'm prepared to stop. I have taken my first step towards the absolute unknown and I'm scared shitless.
I know that I've made the right decision, but damn, that doesn't make it an easy one, not in the least. My biggest concern at this point is how will this path I've chosen effect not only my life but the lives of my children. Will we all be OK when we reach the top? Hopefully we'll climb together and support one another and come out the other side stronger people for having traveled the unknown. My fear is that by the time we reach the top, they'll want nothing to do with me ever again.
amor y paz,
me
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The wonder of clouds
Today, finally is a gorgeous day. I've spent the majority of the day outside. I'm itching to take pictures, but a subdivision... not the best place to capture nature, maybe after the husband gets home.
Anywho, it's fabulous. I've just lain on my back and watch the clouds as the pass over my head. Clouds are truly amazing things. They are constantly moving and changing, bits break off and dissipate, and still they continue on their way. I envied the clouds today. Their freedom to be as they are, exist as they will, losing pieces without losing what they are. They don't cease to be a cloud just because a small part has gone its own way. They just are.
And now they've cleared. The sky is blue and practically clear.
amor y paz,
me
Anywho, it's fabulous. I've just lain on my back and watch the clouds as the pass over my head. Clouds are truly amazing things. They are constantly moving and changing, bits break off and dissipate, and still they continue on their way. I envied the clouds today. Their freedom to be as they are, exist as they will, losing pieces without losing what they are. They don't cease to be a cloud just because a small part has gone its own way. They just are.
And now they've cleared. The sky is blue and practically clear.
amor y paz,
me
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