Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Today could have been

A horrible, gloomy, depressing day. It's colder than yesterday, overcast and rainy, but what could have turned out to be an awful day, was one of the best days I've had in a long time. It's so easy to get caught up in the demons of life, to move past them and realize that somewhere among the demons are things that we've learned about ourselves and things that have made us stronger.

The past year and a half has been composed a lot of personal demons for me. A lot of the time I feel overwhelmed and barely above water. Outwardly I appear to be a pretty together person, but inwardly I feel like I'm hardly functioning. I know inside me somewhere is a free-spirited, fun-loving person, but she's been lost for a long time. Somewhere along the way I've let the heaviness of responsibility and expectations hide her and I've been really, really miserable. I can't even recognize this person that I've become, it's not who I am nor who I want to be, but the ability to regain the person I am has eluded me.

And so I've become this shell of a person, a zombie going through the motions of my life. That's no way to live. So today, it's raining and it's a little chilly, but last night I made the decision that unless it was stormy weather today, I was going to go to the river preserve and just be in nature. To think about my demons and what I need to do to try to find myself again.

As I stood in the woods and listened to the woodpecker and watched the mallard swimming and listened to the start of rain, I wasn't sure what exactly I was doing. I'm not necessarily the most outdoorsy person in the world, but it felt right to be there. And as it began to rain harder, my hair was soaked, my bangs were dripping into my eyes, and I felt fabulous. My sandals were sinking into the mud and it was wonderful. I took off my sandals and decided to walk further into the woods. As I walked, my feet sank into the slimy mud. It squished between my toes and felt disgusting and amazing all at the same time.

I walked across a log, I sank into deeper mud, I was drenched to the bone and incredibly happy. I felt like a kid. I walked and walked until I got back to the road. As I walked to the car and got progressively more wet, I felt better and better. By the time I got to my car, I was thoroughly drenched. My eyes were stinging from all of the rain in them, I was shivering and I was elated.

Somewhere in that woods was the girl that loves life, that wants to just let go and to do whatever. To love life, to take it by the hand and experience it. Today I feel like that person again. It's not to say that the shell isn't still hovering right on the edge, but now I know that the person I thought was gone is still inside me, just waiting for the opportunity to remind me who I am.

amor y paz,


No comments: