Friday, May 23, 2008

Too short

It's funny the things that remind you life is short. Not funny ha ha. I found out tonight that an acquaintance of mine died last night in a car accident while she was driving home from college for the summer. She was 20 years old. 20... how can that even be?

I didn't know her very well, but am good friends with some people who did and I am most concerned about them. One of them is her best friend. I was fortunate to get to know Emily while working on a play together and my heart just goes out to her. She's in Senegal for her SST right now and this is where she will receive the news of the loss of her best friend. I can't even imagine what she is feeling, I don't even know if she knows yet. I wish I were independently wealthy so I could go to her and bring her home.

Life is short... such a cliché, but it's so true. We get hung up in the everyday things of life. Small, insignificant things when you consider how they fit into the bigger picture. Why? It doesn't make any sense. I didn't know her well, but what I knew of her... she was an amazingly vibrant, energetic, beautiful, gifted person and now, just like that, she's gone. It's just so unfair.

So there's supposedly a god out there somewhere. There's supposed to be something watching over us, caring for us. That's what I learned in Sunday school growing up. Then things like this happen and I just can't see it. How can something like this happen?

And now I sit and think about my life. The struggles I have. My rocky relationship with my dad, my struggle with depression, trying to figure out what I want out of life. No one ever thinks it can happen to them. Certainly Deanne didn't think that while driving home. So what to do with these feelings? I want things to be fine with my dad, I want to just know what I want out of life. I want to be able to be happy with who I am. I'm finding these things, slowly, but now I feel like there is some urgency to finding the answers. Is it even possible to find answers, or do we just have to stumble through life, never finding anything concrete? I don't know.

Tonight started as an evening of fun with friends around a fire, darts at the bar, joking and laughing and then turned rather drastically. If I were to die tomorrow, what regrets would there be in my life? I need to figure those things out and deal with them. Don't put off till tomorrow what can be done today.... because you just never know.

amor y paz,

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