Sunday, December 14, 2008

Like sands through the hourglass....

Ok, so that's a totally silly title, but it just seemed like fun. I used to love to watch 'Days of Our Lives' with my mom when I was a kid. I can't stand soap operas now, telenovelas are more amusing.

Anywho, I found out tonight that my future roommate's mom (Hi, Judy!) has been reading here, so I thought I'd say hi. Then it made me wonder how many people actually read this blog. I post so sporadically that it seems like it wouldn't get much traffic. Anywho, if you feel like telling me you read this blog, leave a comment. Sometimes my curiosity just gets the better of me. :)

amor y paz,


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A moment of clarity

I think sleep deprivation is seriously fucking with my brain. I've been up since 5:30, of the a.m. variety, and that is just not me at all. I'm sitting here thinking about myself, which lately has not been a good thing, it's tended to make me moody and rather full of self-loathing. As I sit here tonight though, the self-loathing is strangely absent.

What normally brings it on is thinking about decisions I've made, the way I live my life... how will potential future people I meet react to those decisions, be they people that could be potential partners, or just friends. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, but am hopeful that if people can know me for who I am now, that those decisions won't weigh in too heavily on their opinion of me. For the most part, it concerns me little what people think of me, I've gotten over the need to have everyone's approval, but there is still the piece of me that worries occasionally. It's hard to get rid of that completely.

Anywho, so my moment of clarity... so as I'm sitting here being concerned about the decisions I've made and what kind of person it's made me, instead of getting all hormonal or emo or whatever you want to call it, I just thought, that's the way it is. And maybe it's not so undeserved. And I'm not feeling bitter or unhappy about it, rather almost at peace. I am who I am. I've tried changing that and been miserable because of it. This is me, I've made some shit decisions. I hope that I've grown and learned from them so that I'll not be cursed to repeat them... again.

amor y paz,


Monday, November 3, 2008

Another day, another week, another month

And they've all been good. Last week was a bit of a struggle. As much as I was ready for the musical to be over, there's always a let down. I missed people and the chaos, surprisingly. The moodiness and hormones aside, it's been a good time.

My kids are here. They've been with me for a week and will be with me for a few more days. It's been a bit of an adjustment for all of us, but we're getting there. Being a single mom is hard, but I know that what we're doing is for the best. I've had different people tell me that they can see a change in me. I'm more fun and "more my old self." The old self part seems kind of weird to me, because I know I've changed a lot recently. But maybe it's been more about rediscovering the parts of who I was that I'd lost along the way, while at the same time discovering some incredible inner strength that I never realized was there. And part of that has also been admitting that I'm not always as strong as I appear to be. I need to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, lonely and down. I have amazing friends and support, I need to trust that they're just as much there for me as I am for them. It's hard to let some of that go, it's hard to admit that I need help. I'm so often the person that my friends come to when they need support and additional strength, it's hard to show weakness, at least what I perceive as weakness in myself.

I'm getting there. It's terrifying giving that kind of power to other people. I've done it before and been burned, so I tend to shy away from it now. I appreciate all of the patience and love and concern all of my friends have shown me. I know logically that they're as much of a support for me as I am for them, it's just getting past the fear of discovering that maybe people aren't who I think they are and my general distrust of people as a whole. I guess all of that is to say, I love and appreciate my friends. And I'm happy that I've finally been able to find people to whom I can once again give my trust and loyalty.

amor y paz,

Monday, September 1, 2008

Ambient noise

Is it possible for things to be silent, even if there are noises? This evening I was reading my book and kept thinking how quiet it feels. But does quiet have a feeling? I don't know if it does, but that's the only name I could really give to the way I'm feeling right now. There are crickets and cicadas and the cars out on the highway.... my refrigerator, the upstairs neighbor's TV that is always on till all hours of the night, only turned off when it's time for bed at which point NPR takes over. But still it feels silent.

There's no Godspell or talking in sleep from my children. There's no one's regular breathing of sleep, nor the creak of a water heater and pipes I'd taken for granted for so many years. Now there are new noises that don't seem like noise at all. Am I just weird? I suppose I am.

Today I took my kids for a picnic and one of my favorite places, a local river preserve. I knew we hadn't had rain in quite some time, but the stark reality of it hit me as I looked at the waterless waterfall. My children and I walked through the shallow water at the top searching for shells and sticks and rocks, the water barely reaching my knees. I often go there to take pictures of nature, to play with my camera and my ability to zoom, blah blah blah, but the things I normally love to take pictures of weren't there. It was depressing. Still we had fun, just a stark reality I wasn't prepared to see. Funny how we come across those moments when we least expect them, I suppose that's why they're unexpected, right?

The ambient noise of life is shifting. It's not a bad thing or a good thing per se, just a thing. I suppose I'll get used to it. Just another thing in the grand scheme of life that is changing. But I'm discovering almost daily that change is indeed a good thing.

amor y paz,


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Simplicity and Indpendence

Really neither of those has anything to do with the other, but I liked the way it sounded.

I feel like the past year I've changed a lot and that I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin then I used to be. While I still consider myself to be an extroverted person, I find now that there is more enjoyment in the simplicity of life around me. I never would have thought I would be a person that would just sit in nature and listen to the sounds around me, especially in the age of electronics and distractions beyond imagination. But I find myself with the increasing desire to do exactly that. It's amazing what goes on in the world around us that we miss because we are so concentrated on the next task. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some gadgets and electronic entertainment at times, but they no longer feel as necessary as they once did.

Ok, so maybe they're kind of related, part of discovering who I am is an increased need for independence, to be able to figure out how to do things for myself, like fix my car. It's nice to have friends who know how to do things and are willing to actually teach me how to do them instead of just doing them for me. My car, god love the piece of shit that it is, has had problem after problem. It's gotten a little ridiculous really, but I am determined to learn how not only to maintain it on my own, but also be able to fix it when the need arises, as I am sure it will continue to do. So I've changed a hose and tightened a hose and am getting ready to embark on the adventure that will be learning how to change the thermostat. And crossing my fingers/making sacrifices to the god of cars/praying/wishing on a star that after this my car will decide it's done overheating. Here's hoping!

All of these ramblings to say, I know I'm a stronger, more independent woman through all of this and I just need to keep reminding myself of that during the times that are hard and lonely. Fortunately so far, those have been few and far between. Who knows, maybe I'll open up my own repair shop for 1991 Honda Accords when it's all said and done..... or maybe not.

amor y paz,


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A sense of normalcy

So life has been pretty crazy. I still don't have a place of my own and I'm pretty ready to have that. I am unbelievably grateful to my friends for letting me stay with them, I have amazing people in my life that have been wonderfully supportive, but I'm ready to move forward. I feel like that can't happen until I have a place to call my own, be it an apartment or a house.

Despite the upheaval and uncertainty, life is good. I have work, which is huge considering all of the insanity that is the current economy, so that is a good thing. My kids seem to be doing quite well considering how different things have been as well. I'm still not able to be with them as much as I would like, but it's just kind of necessary right now. If I'm ever going to get my own place, I have to work, but working of course takes time away from them. It's taking some getting used to, but overall it's a good thing. (I feel like Martha Stewart saying that.)

I'm healthier and happier AND I've lost weight, so that's pretty exciting too. Now all I need is a windfall of money so I can buy a new wardrobe. I have no ass in my jeans any more, it's kind of crazy. It's amazing what not sitting around eating all of the time and working at the bookstore has done for my body. I've got muscle in my arms and my legs. There's not nearly as much flab as there used to be and I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd been feeling good about myself, comfortable in my own body, but I have to say, this weight loss thing feels even better.

I'm feeling kind of random and scattered right now, in case it's not noticeable in my writing. I'm just feeling good, something I haven't felt on a consistent basis for a very long time. I don't have to be doing something in theater or out drinking with friends or avoiding my "normal" life to be happy. And that's what I'd been doing. It's so good to be happy. I have been smiling so much, it's kind of crazy.

Anywho, love and much thanks to all of my friends who've been so supportive and awesome. I wouldn't be here without you.

amor y paz,


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

¡Estoy muy frustrada!

So yesterday I got a job! Woot, I'm gainfully employed, that is so amazingly awesome.

Then this morning I go out to my car and the exhaust system is hanging off the bottom. Well fuck... I bought a new muffler Monday so I could replace the one that fell off last summer, but hadn't had a chance to put it on yet, so I suppose that's a good thing. Now I can return it because the mechanic won't use it. He said when they lifted the car up to look at it, the entire thing from the catalytic converter back just fell off. Well fuck even more! He said they're taking it to another place and it'll probably cost about $250 to put everything back on, but my understanding is that they're going to reattach everything. If I had to buy all new stuff, it'd cost way too much.

I'm so frustrated right now. So much money has been sunk into that car. It was well taken care of, but ya know, they offloaded it before all this stuff went to shit and I have to say I feel pretty damn cheated. I'm also frustrated because a better car could have been purchased for all the money that's been dumped into this one. Something newer with less issues... and I'm frustrated I let myself be talked out of taking that path.

I'm just pissed off and frustrated right now. Good news with the job, but then it's just more shit that I can't afford. I want to be able to save money to get my own place so that I can start having my kids with me and not have to be at the house. Yeah... so anywho, is it possible to be elated and totally pissed off all at the same time??

amor y paz,

Friday, June 20, 2008

Worst day of my life

So as many of you have probably already surmised (I say that like I have some kind of huge following or something), I am getting a divorce. It's absolutely what needs to happen and I know it's for the best, but today was the day that we told our children. Shittiest person ever... that's how I have felt most of this day. I know without a doubt that this is what needs to happen, but watching my son cry and cover his head and say he didn't want to hear anymore... and my daughter cry and just want to be cuddled... it was awful.

It sucks when something I know is right, hurts so bad. Tonight, I am without my children. Things will never be the same. The house that I have lived in with them for the past almost 10 years, is no longer my home. That is such a weird feeling. Now I'm just kind of transient. I'm looking for a job and until I can find one, I have no definite place to stay. It should be an interesting next few weeks.

I'm generally not this blunt and unpoetic in my blogging, feels kind of weird, but this is something I just need to get out there. If you have any ideas about jobs (they pretty much need to be in Goshen), feel free to pass those ideas along. Apartments, also something I'll be looking for once the whole job thing happens.

Anywho, for those of you who already know and have offered words of support and friendship, I can't thank you enough. This has probably been the longest week of my life and the hugs and love expressed have been... I just can't truly express how much they've meant to me. So thank you. I do believe this whole blunt blogging thing will end with this, I'd like to go back to the more poetic me.... it's better that way.

con mucho amor y agradecimiento,


Monday, June 16, 2008

Wow.... hard

There are decisions in life that we are faced with, some hard... some easy. Tonight was one of the hardest nights of my life. The path before me was split, in far too many ways really, and I decided to take the path up the mountain. The path obscured by fog and indecision, the path full of the unknown. Will it be passable? I don't know, I can only hope at this point.

Sometimes you look down the paths of life and you can see a clear passage. It's so easy to take those paths, to follow them, blinders on or worse yet eyes closed to the other options. I have done that for so long. Now I'm prepared to stop. I have taken my first step towards the absolute unknown and I'm scared shitless.

I know that I've made the right decision, but damn, that doesn't make it an easy one, not in the least. My biggest concern at this point is how will this path I've chosen effect not only my life but the lives of my children. Will we all be OK when we reach the top? Hopefully we'll climb together and support one another and come out the other side stronger people for having traveled the unknown. My fear is that by the time we reach the top, they'll want nothing to do with me ever again.

amor y paz,


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The wonder of clouds

Today, finally is a gorgeous day. I've spent the majority of the day outside. I'm itching to take pictures, but a subdivision... not the best place to capture nature, maybe after the husband gets home.

Anywho, it's fabulous. I've just lain on my back and watch the clouds as the pass over my head. Clouds are truly amazing things. They are constantly moving and changing, bits break off and dissipate, and still they continue on their way. I envied the clouds today. Their freedom to be as they are, exist as they will, losing pieces without losing what they are. They don't cease to be a cloud just because a small part has gone its own way. They just are.

And now they've cleared. The sky is blue and practically clear.

amor y paz,


Friday, May 23, 2008

Too short

It's funny the things that remind you life is short. Not funny ha ha. I found out tonight that an acquaintance of mine died last night in a car accident while she was driving home from college for the summer. She was 20 years old. 20... how can that even be?

I didn't know her very well, but am good friends with some people who did and I am most concerned about them. One of them is her best friend. I was fortunate to get to know Emily while working on a play together and my heart just goes out to her. She's in Senegal for her SST right now and this is where she will receive the news of the loss of her best friend. I can't even imagine what she is feeling, I don't even know if she knows yet. I wish I were independently wealthy so I could go to her and bring her home.

Life is short... such a cliché, but it's so true. We get hung up in the everyday things of life. Small, insignificant things when you consider how they fit into the bigger picture. Why? It doesn't make any sense. I didn't know her well, but what I knew of her... she was an amazingly vibrant, energetic, beautiful, gifted person and now, just like that, she's gone. It's just so unfair.

So there's supposedly a god out there somewhere. There's supposed to be something watching over us, caring for us. That's what I learned in Sunday school growing up. Then things like this happen and I just can't see it. How can something like this happen?

And now I sit and think about my life. The struggles I have. My rocky relationship with my dad, my struggle with depression, trying to figure out what I want out of life. No one ever thinks it can happen to them. Certainly Deanne didn't think that while driving home. So what to do with these feelings? I want things to be fine with my dad, I want to just know what I want out of life. I want to be able to be happy with who I am. I'm finding these things, slowly, but now I feel like there is some urgency to finding the answers. Is it even possible to find answers, or do we just have to stumble through life, never finding anything concrete? I don't know.

Tonight started as an evening of fun with friends around a fire, darts at the bar, joking and laughing and then turned rather drastically. If I were to die tomorrow, what regrets would there be in my life? I need to figure those things out and deal with them. Don't put off till tomorrow what can be done today.... because you just never know.

amor y paz,

Thursday, May 22, 2008

No clever title today

So supposedly those things that are hardest for us to do in life are the exact same things that "make us stronger." Some days I think I'd just prefer to be a wimp.

Today was a hard day... a very hard day. And I'm sure ultimately I'll be a better person for it, but it brings me little comfort now. When you've cried so much your entire face aches and your brain is like a giant ball of cotton, it's hard to think that anything positive can come from that.

Empty and alone, that's how I feel today. Drained and deflated.

amor y paz,


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Today could have been

A horrible, gloomy, depressing day. It's colder than yesterday, overcast and rainy, but what could have turned out to be an awful day, was one of the best days I've had in a long time. It's so easy to get caught up in the demons of life, to move past them and realize that somewhere among the demons are things that we've learned about ourselves and things that have made us stronger.

The past year and a half has been composed a lot of personal demons for me. A lot of the time I feel overwhelmed and barely above water. Outwardly I appear to be a pretty together person, but inwardly I feel like I'm hardly functioning. I know inside me somewhere is a free-spirited, fun-loving person, but she's been lost for a long time. Somewhere along the way I've let the heaviness of responsibility and expectations hide her and I've been really, really miserable. I can't even recognize this person that I've become, it's not who I am nor who I want to be, but the ability to regain the person I am has eluded me.

And so I've become this shell of a person, a zombie going through the motions of my life. That's no way to live. So today, it's raining and it's a little chilly, but last night I made the decision that unless it was stormy weather today, I was going to go to the river preserve and just be in nature. To think about my demons and what I need to do to try to find myself again.

As I stood in the woods and listened to the woodpecker and watched the mallard swimming and listened to the start of rain, I wasn't sure what exactly I was doing. I'm not necessarily the most outdoorsy person in the world, but it felt right to be there. And as it began to rain harder, my hair was soaked, my bangs were dripping into my eyes, and I felt fabulous. My sandals were sinking into the mud and it was wonderful. I took off my sandals and decided to walk further into the woods. As I walked, my feet sank into the slimy mud. It squished between my toes and felt disgusting and amazing all at the same time.

I walked across a log, I sank into deeper mud, I was drenched to the bone and incredibly happy. I felt like a kid. I walked and walked until I got back to the road. As I walked to the car and got progressively more wet, I felt better and better. By the time I got to my car, I was thoroughly drenched. My eyes were stinging from all of the rain in them, I was shivering and I was elated.

Somewhere in that woods was the girl that loves life, that wants to just let go and to do whatever. To love life, to take it by the hand and experience it. Today I feel like that person again. It's not to say that the shell isn't still hovering right on the edge, but now I know that the person I thought was gone is still inside me, just waiting for the opportunity to remind me who I am.

amor y paz,


Monday, April 14, 2008

Sentences you don't hear every day....

Daddy, you have 13 strawberry nipples on your back... from the mouth of my 6 year old.

Gotta love kids!

amor y paz,

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Could it really be???

The sun is out, it's supposed to get up to 50 today and tomorrow and holy hell even through the weekend!!! Could it possibly be that spring might actually be here? I suppose I shouldn't say it, because then of course Murphy's Law says that it's all a lie and by tomorrow night we'll have 10 feet of snow.... still, I'm hopeful.

So it's been a while, life is crazy insane. But thankfully the semester is almost finished and then the summer should be a good break. Being involved in theater is so awesomely fun and really fulfilling. I love doing it. And I've especially loved the process this time. It's as much assistant directing as stage managing and it really makes me want to direct something. It's been a helluva long time, but I loved it before.

Anywho, just had to put my joy in sunshine and hopefulness for warmer weather in writing!

amor y paz,


Saturday, February 16, 2008

Just this side of sanity

There are just times... days, moments, hours.... that I can see the edge right there. So close I could touch it and sometimes so close that I wonder if I've just crossed over it. I usually chalk it up to some seriously heavy PMS or weather or whatever random excuse seems appropriate at the time.

Then there are nights like tonight and I just swear I'm looking at that line from the side of just having crossed it. Like the world is closing in and I have no power to get out. I want nothing more to curl into a fetal position and avoid it all until things get better, but then find myself wondering if they can.

I hate when I feel like this. I hate that I'm a person that can't seem to get her shit together, despite the facade of having my shit together. And so here I sit. Writing on my blog, avoiding talking to an actual human being because I want nothing more than to be left alone by actual people so I can sit here and sob with no need to explain to anyone that I'm terrified I've crossed that line.

amor y paz,


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Unbelievable sadness

You know, it's not like I knew Heath Ledger, like we ever met... but for some reason when I heard about his death today I couldn't help but to feel an overwhelming sadness. He had everything going for him. I saw him in the trailer for The Dark Knight and I was so impressed, such a great career move. A whole new character he can play. I still can't wait to see the movie, but now I can't help but think it's going to be kind of weird.

In the wake of Brad Renfro's death just a few days ago and with my experience with death, I've always seen it in groups of three and I can't help but be saddened to think another young, talented actor/actress could be lost.

This evening I mourn for families that have lost their loved ones unexpectedly and tragically.

amor y paz,


If I'm in a cave, why is it so bright?

So I've had this freaking cold for a little over a week now. I don't have a fever any more, but man am I still feeling seriously crappy. Everything sounds like I'm in a cave, at least in my left ear. It's so annoying because every once in a while I'll get just a little bit dizzy and then feel just weird for a while. Ugh, I'm tired of being sick. It's too damn early in the semester to be having a motivation crisis. *sigh* I'm feeling whiny and moody, that's always a party.

amor y paz,


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I blame global warming!

No longer do I live in the days when I can count on Northern Indiana being freezing cold and snowy the whole winter long. January started off amazingly mild, like in the 60s mild. What the hell is up with that? I mean seriously, isn't it supposed to stay cold and kill off all of the nasty bugs that wreak havoc on poor unsuspecting me????

So that's what I'm blaming global warming for, my fever and cough, the illness that started with the boy, traveled to number three, then to me and now to the middle one. That is so freaking stupid. I hate being sick. I hate even more that I'm missing class. It's only the second week, seems awfully squander-y of me. Oh well. Here's hoping tomorrow brings a reduction in fever and less of the coughing up of the lungs.

amor y paz y salud,


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Yay! New semester

So far so good on the new semester. My history class... not as good as last semester, but I think it will be ok overall. I can definitely tell a difference in my Spanish classes as well. My comprehension level is so much higher. I'm not dreading lit nearly as much with this discovery. :)

But so far my absolutely favorite class is Flamenco. I'm so excited about this class. The teacher is great, she's really a lot of fun, and it's so amazing to learn a real dance form. So far it's nothing terribly complicated, but I imagine once we start putting things together it will become moreso. And seriously, an excuse to get new shoes and a cool cool skirt???? What more do you need! I'm in Flamenco 1 now and plan to do Flamenco 2, also. Hopefully once I'm all trained I'll be able to find somewhere to do my dance. No matter, it'll be awesome no matter what!

amor y paz,


Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The thin line...

When I was little, I would wonder, when was I going to wake up. I remember thinking, this must all be a dream, my life.. the world.. all of it has to be a dream. In a lot of ways the whole life cycle seemed kind of silly. I just didn't get what the whole point of everything was. I don't think I was an unhappy kid, or depressed or anything like that at all. But I remember very clearly these thoughts.

Now that I'm an adult, sometimes I wonder if I'm sane. Like there is a thin line I'm teetering on, holding onto the tiniest thread keeping me connected to the world and any second I could fall or the string would snap. I have no idea what would happen, just sometimes I feel that way. Blame lack of sleep, PMS, who knows... life is weird... and figuring out my place in it, often feels daunting. I'm certain I have a purpose here, now if I could just figure out what it is.

amor y paz,