Monday, November 3, 2008

Another day, another week, another month

And they've all been good. Last week was a bit of a struggle. As much as I was ready for the musical to be over, there's always a let down. I missed people and the chaos, surprisingly. The moodiness and hormones aside, it's been a good time.

My kids are here. They've been with me for a week and will be with me for a few more days. It's been a bit of an adjustment for all of us, but we're getting there. Being a single mom is hard, but I know that what we're doing is for the best. I've had different people tell me that they can see a change in me. I'm more fun and "more my old self." The old self part seems kind of weird to me, because I know I've changed a lot recently. But maybe it's been more about rediscovering the parts of who I was that I'd lost along the way, while at the same time discovering some incredible inner strength that I never realized was there. And part of that has also been admitting that I'm not always as strong as I appear to be. I need to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, lonely and down. I have amazing friends and support, I need to trust that they're just as much there for me as I am for them. It's hard to let some of that go, it's hard to admit that I need help. I'm so often the person that my friends come to when they need support and additional strength, it's hard to show weakness, at least what I perceive as weakness in myself.

I'm getting there. It's terrifying giving that kind of power to other people. I've done it before and been burned, so I tend to shy away from it now. I appreciate all of the patience and love and concern all of my friends have shown me. I know logically that they're as much of a support for me as I am for them, it's just getting past the fear of discovering that maybe people aren't who I think they are and my general distrust of people as a whole. I guess all of that is to say, I love and appreciate my friends. And I'm happy that I've finally been able to find people to whom I can once again give my trust and loyalty.

amor y paz,

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