Friday, June 20, 2008

Worst day of my life

So as many of you have probably already surmised (I say that like I have some kind of huge following or something), I am getting a divorce. It's absolutely what needs to happen and I know it's for the best, but today was the day that we told our children. Shittiest person ever... that's how I have felt most of this day. I know without a doubt that this is what needs to happen, but watching my son cry and cover his head and say he didn't want to hear anymore... and my daughter cry and just want to be cuddled... it was awful.

It sucks when something I know is right, hurts so bad. Tonight, I am without my children. Things will never be the same. The house that I have lived in with them for the past almost 10 years, is no longer my home. That is such a weird feeling. Now I'm just kind of transient. I'm looking for a job and until I can find one, I have no definite place to stay. It should be an interesting next few weeks.

I'm generally not this blunt and unpoetic in my blogging, feels kind of weird, but this is something I just need to get out there. If you have any ideas about jobs (they pretty much need to be in Goshen), feel free to pass those ideas along. Apartments, also something I'll be looking for once the whole job thing happens.

Anywho, for those of you who already know and have offered words of support and friendship, I can't thank you enough. This has probably been the longest week of my life and the hugs and love expressed have been... I just can't truly express how much they've meant to me. So thank you. I do believe this whole blunt blogging thing will end with this, I'd like to go back to the more poetic me.... it's better that way.

con mucho amor y agradecimiento,


Monday, June 16, 2008

Wow.... hard

There are decisions in life that we are faced with, some hard... some easy. Tonight was one of the hardest nights of my life. The path before me was split, in far too many ways really, and I decided to take the path up the mountain. The path obscured by fog and indecision, the path full of the unknown. Will it be passable? I don't know, I can only hope at this point.

Sometimes you look down the paths of life and you can see a clear passage. It's so easy to take those paths, to follow them, blinders on or worse yet eyes closed to the other options. I have done that for so long. Now I'm prepared to stop. I have taken my first step towards the absolute unknown and I'm scared shitless.

I know that I've made the right decision, but damn, that doesn't make it an easy one, not in the least. My biggest concern at this point is how will this path I've chosen effect not only my life but the lives of my children. Will we all be OK when we reach the top? Hopefully we'll climb together and support one another and come out the other side stronger people for having traveled the unknown. My fear is that by the time we reach the top, they'll want nothing to do with me ever again.

amor y paz,


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The wonder of clouds

Today, finally is a gorgeous day. I've spent the majority of the day outside. I'm itching to take pictures, but a subdivision... not the best place to capture nature, maybe after the husband gets home.

Anywho, it's fabulous. I've just lain on my back and watch the clouds as the pass over my head. Clouds are truly amazing things. They are constantly moving and changing, bits break off and dissipate, and still they continue on their way. I envied the clouds today. Their freedom to be as they are, exist as they will, losing pieces without losing what they are. They don't cease to be a cloud just because a small part has gone its own way. They just are.

And now they've cleared. The sky is blue and practically clear.

amor y paz,