Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A moment of clarity

I think sleep deprivation is seriously fucking with my brain. I've been up since 5:30, of the a.m. variety, and that is just not me at all. I'm sitting here thinking about myself, which lately has not been a good thing, it's tended to make me moody and rather full of self-loathing. As I sit here tonight though, the self-loathing is strangely absent.

What normally brings it on is thinking about decisions I've made, the way I live my life... how will potential future people I meet react to those decisions, be they people that could be potential partners, or just friends. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, but am hopeful that if people can know me for who I am now, that those decisions won't weigh in too heavily on their opinion of me. For the most part, it concerns me little what people think of me, I've gotten over the need to have everyone's approval, but there is still the piece of me that worries occasionally. It's hard to get rid of that completely.

Anywho, so my moment of clarity... so as I'm sitting here being concerned about the decisions I've made and what kind of person it's made me, instead of getting all hormonal or emo or whatever you want to call it, I just thought, that's the way it is. And maybe it's not so undeserved. And I'm not feeling bitter or unhappy about it, rather almost at peace. I am who I am. I've tried changing that and been miserable because of it. This is me, I've made some shit decisions. I hope that I've grown and learned from them so that I'll not be cursed to repeat them... again.

amor y paz,


Monday, November 3, 2008

Another day, another week, another month

And they've all been good. Last week was a bit of a struggle. As much as I was ready for the musical to be over, there's always a let down. I missed people and the chaos, surprisingly. The moodiness and hormones aside, it's been a good time.

My kids are here. They've been with me for a week and will be with me for a few more days. It's been a bit of an adjustment for all of us, but we're getting there. Being a single mom is hard, but I know that what we're doing is for the best. I've had different people tell me that they can see a change in me. I'm more fun and "more my old self." The old self part seems kind of weird to me, because I know I've changed a lot recently. But maybe it's been more about rediscovering the parts of who I was that I'd lost along the way, while at the same time discovering some incredible inner strength that I never realized was there. And part of that has also been admitting that I'm not always as strong as I appear to be. I need to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, lonely and down. I have amazing friends and support, I need to trust that they're just as much there for me as I am for them. It's hard to let some of that go, it's hard to admit that I need help. I'm so often the person that my friends come to when they need support and additional strength, it's hard to show weakness, at least what I perceive as weakness in myself.

I'm getting there. It's terrifying giving that kind of power to other people. I've done it before and been burned, so I tend to shy away from it now. I appreciate all of the patience and love and concern all of my friends have shown me. I know logically that they're as much of a support for me as I am for them, it's just getting past the fear of discovering that maybe people aren't who I think they are and my general distrust of people as a whole. I guess all of that is to say, I love and appreciate my friends. And I'm happy that I've finally been able to find people to whom I can once again give my trust and loyalty.

amor y paz,