Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A moment of clarity

I think sleep deprivation is seriously fucking with my brain. I've been up since 5:30, of the a.m. variety, and that is just not me at all. I'm sitting here thinking about myself, which lately has not been a good thing, it's tended to make me moody and rather full of self-loathing. As I sit here tonight though, the self-loathing is strangely absent.

What normally brings it on is thinking about decisions I've made, the way I live my life... how will potential future people I meet react to those decisions, be they people that could be potential partners, or just friends. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, but am hopeful that if people can know me for who I am now, that those decisions won't weigh in too heavily on their opinion of me. For the most part, it concerns me little what people think of me, I've gotten over the need to have everyone's approval, but there is still the piece of me that worries occasionally. It's hard to get rid of that completely.

Anywho, so my moment of clarity... so as I'm sitting here being concerned about the decisions I've made and what kind of person it's made me, instead of getting all hormonal or emo or whatever you want to call it, I just thought, that's the way it is. And maybe it's not so undeserved. And I'm not feeling bitter or unhappy about it, rather almost at peace. I am who I am. I've tried changing that and been miserable because of it. This is me, I've made some shit decisions. I hope that I've grown and learned from them so that I'll not be cursed to repeat them... again.

amor y paz,


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