Wednesday, January 21, 2009

So many changes

This has been a seriously crazy 7 months. Things are going really well, but I sort of feel like I can't catch my breath. I don't really enjoy the monotony of routine, or at least traditionally I haven't. But now I find myself kind of craving that exact monotony. At least when it comes to work. It's really scary not knowing from week to week if I'm going to be able to get enough work in to be able to pay my bills. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that I actually have a job, so many people don't even have that right now, but I don't know how much better the uncertainty of week to week is.

This month has been an interesting transition as well. I really like having a roommate, it's nice not to feel so lonely. It has been a bit more stressful getting used to a roommate again on top of having my children though. We're still getting used to each other and my kids, while they are generally good kids, are going through a lot of transition too, and it's been hard for them. They're excited about having a new person in their lives. They're scared about the changes that seem to keep happening. I would just kind of like things to normalize so we can all get used to being together again and enjoy that time. I don't feel like I've been a very good mom. I'm too short with them. They're just kids. They have so little control over what goes on around them. I can hardly blame them for feeling totally out of control right now.

And then there's just my life. I've figured a lot out for myself and am feeling really good, better than I have in years really. But it's definitely an adjustment, this whole being single thing. I know without a doubt that I am in no way interested in a committed relationship now, but I do want companionship. I've spent too much of my life validating who I am as a person through the relationships I've been in. Then I hit 27 and had no clue who I was. I want to be my own person. So I'm trying to be my own person and hang out with people who can allow me to do that and whom I can also allow to do so. Whether it's just friends or whatever.

It's rocky waters, trying to navigate the fine line between, hey I'd like to hang out and what is dating. I mean let's face it, I've never been a person who dates casually or just hangs out. I've always either been single or in a relationship, and really most of the time I've been in a relationship. And of course on top of all of that, I have my kids to consider. I don't want to just be hanging out with friends and I know that that's all it is, but my kids feel like it's something more. They are so easily attached to people. And in these past few months of constant changes, they're looking for stability. So many things to consider.

I'm looking forward to February and having the chance to express myself again through theater. It feeds my soul and I am a better person for doing it. Maybe I'll figure some more things out in the process. It's hard to change who I am after all of these years. But I do know that I'm a better person for having figured out more of who I am. And I will be better for my children and for any future friendships, relationships.... things in the future. For now, I guess that's good enough.

amor y paz,


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