Ok, so that's a totally silly title, but it just seemed like fun. I used to love to watch 'Days of Our Lives' with my mom when I was a kid. I can't stand soap operas now, telenovelas are more amusing.
Anywho, I found out tonight that my future roommate's mom (Hi, Judy!) has been reading here, so I thought I'd say hi. Then it made me wonder how many people actually read this blog. I post so sporadically that it seems like it wouldn't get much traffic. Anywho, if you feel like telling me you read this blog, leave a comment. Sometimes my curiosity just gets the better of me. :)
amor y paz,
me
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A moment of clarity
I think sleep deprivation is seriously fucking with my brain. I've been up since 5:30, of the a.m. variety, and that is just not me at all. I'm sitting here thinking about myself, which lately has not been a good thing, it's tended to make me moody and rather full of self-loathing. As I sit here tonight though, the self-loathing is strangely absent.
What normally brings it on is thinking about decisions I've made, the way I live my life... how will potential future people I meet react to those decisions, be they people that could be potential partners, or just friends. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, but am hopeful that if people can know me for who I am now, that those decisions won't weigh in too heavily on their opinion of me. For the most part, it concerns me little what people think of me, I've gotten over the need to have everyone's approval, but there is still the piece of me that worries occasionally. It's hard to get rid of that completely.
Anywho, so my moment of clarity... so as I'm sitting here being concerned about the decisions I've made and what kind of person it's made me, instead of getting all hormonal or emo or whatever you want to call it, I just thought, that's the way it is. And maybe it's not so undeserved. And I'm not feeling bitter or unhappy about it, rather almost at peace. I am who I am. I've tried changing that and been miserable because of it. This is me, I've made some shit decisions. I hope that I've grown and learned from them so that I'll not be cursed to repeat them... again.
amor y paz,
me
What normally brings it on is thinking about decisions I've made, the way I live my life... how will potential future people I meet react to those decisions, be they people that could be potential partners, or just friends. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, but am hopeful that if people can know me for who I am now, that those decisions won't weigh in too heavily on their opinion of me. For the most part, it concerns me little what people think of me, I've gotten over the need to have everyone's approval, but there is still the piece of me that worries occasionally. It's hard to get rid of that completely.
Anywho, so my moment of clarity... so as I'm sitting here being concerned about the decisions I've made and what kind of person it's made me, instead of getting all hormonal or emo or whatever you want to call it, I just thought, that's the way it is. And maybe it's not so undeserved. And I'm not feeling bitter or unhappy about it, rather almost at peace. I am who I am. I've tried changing that and been miserable because of it. This is me, I've made some shit decisions. I hope that I've grown and learned from them so that I'll not be cursed to repeat them... again.
amor y paz,
me
Monday, November 3, 2008
Another day, another week, another month
And they've all been good. Last week was a bit of a struggle. As much as I was ready for the musical to be over, there's always a let down. I missed people and the chaos, surprisingly. The moodiness and hormones aside, it's been a good time.
My kids are here. They've been with me for a week and will be with me for a few more days. It's been a bit of an adjustment for all of us, but we're getting there. Being a single mom is hard, but I know that what we're doing is for the best. I've had different people tell me that they can see a change in me. I'm more fun and "more my old self." The old self part seems kind of weird to me, because I know I've changed a lot recently. But maybe it's been more about rediscovering the parts of who I was that I'd lost along the way, while at the same time discovering some incredible inner strength that I never realized was there. And part of that has also been admitting that I'm not always as strong as I appear to be. I need to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, lonely and down. I have amazing friends and support, I need to trust that they're just as much there for me as I am for them. It's hard to let some of that go, it's hard to admit that I need help. I'm so often the person that my friends come to when they need support and additional strength, it's hard to show weakness, at least what I perceive as weakness in myself.
I'm getting there. It's terrifying giving that kind of power to other people. I've done it before and been burned, so I tend to shy away from it now. I appreciate all of the patience and love and concern all of my friends have shown me. I know logically that they're as much of a support for me as I am for them, it's just getting past the fear of discovering that maybe people aren't who I think they are and my general distrust of people as a whole. I guess all of that is to say, I love and appreciate my friends. And I'm happy that I've finally been able to find people to whom I can once again give my trust and loyalty.
amor y paz,
me
My kids are here. They've been with me for a week and will be with me for a few more days. It's been a bit of an adjustment for all of us, but we're getting there. Being a single mom is hard, but I know that what we're doing is for the best. I've had different people tell me that they can see a change in me. I'm more fun and "more my old self." The old self part seems kind of weird to me, because I know I've changed a lot recently. But maybe it's been more about rediscovering the parts of who I was that I'd lost along the way, while at the same time discovering some incredible inner strength that I never realized was there. And part of that has also been admitting that I'm not always as strong as I appear to be. I need to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared, lonely and down. I have amazing friends and support, I need to trust that they're just as much there for me as I am for them. It's hard to let some of that go, it's hard to admit that I need help. I'm so often the person that my friends come to when they need support and additional strength, it's hard to show weakness, at least what I perceive as weakness in myself.
I'm getting there. It's terrifying giving that kind of power to other people. I've done it before and been burned, so I tend to shy away from it now. I appreciate all of the patience and love and concern all of my friends have shown me. I know logically that they're as much of a support for me as I am for them, it's just getting past the fear of discovering that maybe people aren't who I think they are and my general distrust of people as a whole. I guess all of that is to say, I love and appreciate my friends. And I'm happy that I've finally been able to find people to whom I can once again give my trust and loyalty.
amor y paz,
me
Monday, September 1, 2008
Ambient noise
Is it possible for things to be silent, even if there are noises? This evening I was reading my book and kept thinking how quiet it feels. But does quiet have a feeling? I don't know if it does, but that's the only name I could really give to the way I'm feeling right now. There are crickets and cicadas and the cars out on the highway.... my refrigerator, the upstairs neighbor's TV that is always on till all hours of the night, only turned off when it's time for bed at which point NPR takes over. But still it feels silent.
There's no Godspell or talking in sleep from my children. There's no one's regular breathing of sleep, nor the creak of a water heater and pipes I'd taken for granted for so many years. Now there are new noises that don't seem like noise at all. Am I just weird? I suppose I am.
Today I took my kids for a picnic and one of my favorite places, a local river preserve. I knew we hadn't had rain in quite some time, but the stark reality of it hit me as I looked at the waterless waterfall. My children and I walked through the shallow water at the top searching for shells and sticks and rocks, the water barely reaching my knees. I often go there to take pictures of nature, to play with my camera and my ability to zoom, blah blah blah, but the things I normally love to take pictures of weren't there. It was depressing. Still we had fun, just a stark reality I wasn't prepared to see. Funny how we come across those moments when we least expect them, I suppose that's why they're unexpected, right?
The ambient noise of life is shifting. It's not a bad thing or a good thing per se, just a thing. I suppose I'll get used to it. Just another thing in the grand scheme of life that is changing. But I'm discovering almost daily that change is indeed a good thing.
amor y paz,
me
There's no Godspell or talking in sleep from my children. There's no one's regular breathing of sleep, nor the creak of a water heater and pipes I'd taken for granted for so many years. Now there are new noises that don't seem like noise at all. Am I just weird? I suppose I am.
Today I took my kids for a picnic and one of my favorite places, a local river preserve. I knew we hadn't had rain in quite some time, but the stark reality of it hit me as I looked at the waterless waterfall. My children and I walked through the shallow water at the top searching for shells and sticks and rocks, the water barely reaching my knees. I often go there to take pictures of nature, to play with my camera and my ability to zoom, blah blah blah, but the things I normally love to take pictures of weren't there. It was depressing. Still we had fun, just a stark reality I wasn't prepared to see. Funny how we come across those moments when we least expect them, I suppose that's why they're unexpected, right?
The ambient noise of life is shifting. It's not a bad thing or a good thing per se, just a thing. I suppose I'll get used to it. Just another thing in the grand scheme of life that is changing. But I'm discovering almost daily that change is indeed a good thing.
amor y paz,
me
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Simplicity and Indpendence
Really neither of those has anything to do with the other, but I liked the way it sounded.
I feel like the past year I've changed a lot and that I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin then I used to be. While I still consider myself to be an extroverted person, I find now that there is more enjoyment in the simplicity of life around me. I never would have thought I would be a person that would just sit in nature and listen to the sounds around me, especially in the age of electronics and distractions beyond imagination. But I find myself with the increasing desire to do exactly that. It's amazing what goes on in the world around us that we miss because we are so concentrated on the next task. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some gadgets and electronic entertainment at times, but they no longer feel as necessary as they once did.
Ok, so maybe they're kind of related, part of discovering who I am is an increased need for independence, to be able to figure out how to do things for myself, like fix my car. It's nice to have friends who know how to do things and are willing to actually teach me how to do them instead of just doing them for me. My car, god love the piece of shit that it is, has had problem after problem. It's gotten a little ridiculous really, but I am determined to learn how not only to maintain it on my own, but also be able to fix it when the need arises, as I am sure it will continue to do. So I've changed a hose and tightened a hose and am getting ready to embark on the adventure that will be learning how to change the thermostat. And crossing my fingers/making sacrifices to the god of cars/praying/wishing on a star that after this my car will decide it's done overheating. Here's hoping!
All of these ramblings to say, I know I'm a stronger, more independent woman through all of this and I just need to keep reminding myself of that during the times that are hard and lonely. Fortunately so far, those have been few and far between. Who knows, maybe I'll open up my own repair shop for 1991 Honda Accords when it's all said and done..... or maybe not.
amor y paz,
me
I feel like the past year I've changed a lot and that I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin then I used to be. While I still consider myself to be an extroverted person, I find now that there is more enjoyment in the simplicity of life around me. I never would have thought I would be a person that would just sit in nature and listen to the sounds around me, especially in the age of electronics and distractions beyond imagination. But I find myself with the increasing desire to do exactly that. It's amazing what goes on in the world around us that we miss because we are so concentrated on the next task. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some gadgets and electronic entertainment at times, but they no longer feel as necessary as they once did.
Ok, so maybe they're kind of related, part of discovering who I am is an increased need for independence, to be able to figure out how to do things for myself, like fix my car. It's nice to have friends who know how to do things and are willing to actually teach me how to do them instead of just doing them for me. My car, god love the piece of shit that it is, has had problem after problem. It's gotten a little ridiculous really, but I am determined to learn how not only to maintain it on my own, but also be able to fix it when the need arises, as I am sure it will continue to do. So I've changed a hose and tightened a hose and am getting ready to embark on the adventure that will be learning how to change the thermostat. And crossing my fingers/making sacrifices to the god of cars/praying/wishing on a star that after this my car will decide it's done overheating. Here's hoping!
All of these ramblings to say, I know I'm a stronger, more independent woman through all of this and I just need to keep reminding myself of that during the times that are hard and lonely. Fortunately so far, those have been few and far between. Who knows, maybe I'll open up my own repair shop for 1991 Honda Accords when it's all said and done..... or maybe not.
amor y paz,
me
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A sense of normalcy
So life has been pretty crazy. I still don't have a place of my own and I'm pretty ready to have that. I am unbelievably grateful to my friends for letting me stay with them, I have amazing people in my life that have been wonderfully supportive, but I'm ready to move forward. I feel like that can't happen until I have a place to call my own, be it an apartment or a house.
Despite the upheaval and uncertainty, life is good. I have work, which is huge considering all of the insanity that is the current economy, so that is a good thing. My kids seem to be doing quite well considering how different things have been as well. I'm still not able to be with them as much as I would like, but it's just kind of necessary right now. If I'm ever going to get my own place, I have to work, but working of course takes time away from them. It's taking some getting used to, but overall it's a good thing. (I feel like Martha Stewart saying that.)
I'm healthier and happier AND I've lost weight, so that's pretty exciting too. Now all I need is a windfall of money so I can buy a new wardrobe. I have no ass in my jeans any more, it's kind of crazy. It's amazing what not sitting around eating all of the time and working at the bookstore has done for my body. I've got muscle in my arms and my legs. There's not nearly as much flab as there used to be and I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd been feeling good about myself, comfortable in my own body, but I have to say, this weight loss thing feels even better.
I'm feeling kind of random and scattered right now, in case it's not noticeable in my writing. I'm just feeling good, something I haven't felt on a consistent basis for a very long time. I don't have to be doing something in theater or out drinking with friends or avoiding my "normal" life to be happy. And that's what I'd been doing. It's so good to be happy. I have been smiling so much, it's kind of crazy.
Anywho, love and much thanks to all of my friends who've been so supportive and awesome. I wouldn't be here without you.
amor y paz,
me
Despite the upheaval and uncertainty, life is good. I have work, which is huge considering all of the insanity that is the current economy, so that is a good thing. My kids seem to be doing quite well considering how different things have been as well. I'm still not able to be with them as much as I would like, but it's just kind of necessary right now. If I'm ever going to get my own place, I have to work, but working of course takes time away from them. It's taking some getting used to, but overall it's a good thing. (I feel like Martha Stewart saying that.)
I'm healthier and happier AND I've lost weight, so that's pretty exciting too. Now all I need is a windfall of money so I can buy a new wardrobe. I have no ass in my jeans any more, it's kind of crazy. It's amazing what not sitting around eating all of the time and working at the bookstore has done for my body. I've got muscle in my arms and my legs. There's not nearly as much flab as there used to be and I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd been feeling good about myself, comfortable in my own body, but I have to say, this weight loss thing feels even better.
I'm feeling kind of random and scattered right now, in case it's not noticeable in my writing. I'm just feeling good, something I haven't felt on a consistent basis for a very long time. I don't have to be doing something in theater or out drinking with friends or avoiding my "normal" life to be happy. And that's what I'd been doing. It's so good to be happy. I have been smiling so much, it's kind of crazy.
Anywho, love and much thanks to all of my friends who've been so supportive and awesome. I wouldn't be here without you.
amor y paz,
me
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
¡Estoy muy frustrada!
So yesterday I got a job! Woot, I'm gainfully employed, that is so amazingly awesome.
Then this morning I go out to my car and the exhaust system is hanging off the bottom. Well fuck... I bought a new muffler Monday so I could replace the one that fell off last summer, but hadn't had a chance to put it on yet, so I suppose that's a good thing. Now I can return it because the mechanic won't use it. He said when they lifted the car up to look at it, the entire thing from the catalytic converter back just fell off. Well fuck even more! He said they're taking it to another place and it'll probably cost about $250 to put everything back on, but my understanding is that they're going to reattach everything. If I had to buy all new stuff, it'd cost way too much.
I'm so frustrated right now. So much money has been sunk into that car. It was well taken care of, but ya know, they offloaded it before all this stuff went to shit and I have to say I feel pretty damn cheated. I'm also frustrated because a better car could have been purchased for all the money that's been dumped into this one. Something newer with less issues... and I'm frustrated I let myself be talked out of taking that path.
I'm just pissed off and frustrated right now. Good news with the job, but then it's just more shit that I can't afford. I want to be able to save money to get my own place so that I can start having my kids with me and not have to be at the house. Yeah... so anywho, is it possible to be elated and totally pissed off all at the same time??
amor y paz,
me
Then this morning I go out to my car and the exhaust system is hanging off the bottom. Well fuck... I bought a new muffler Monday so I could replace the one that fell off last summer, but hadn't had a chance to put it on yet, so I suppose that's a good thing. Now I can return it because the mechanic won't use it. He said when they lifted the car up to look at it, the entire thing from the catalytic converter back just fell off. Well fuck even more! He said they're taking it to another place and it'll probably cost about $250 to put everything back on, but my understanding is that they're going to reattach everything. If I had to buy all new stuff, it'd cost way too much.
I'm so frustrated right now. So much money has been sunk into that car. It was well taken care of, but ya know, they offloaded it before all this stuff went to shit and I have to say I feel pretty damn cheated. I'm also frustrated because a better car could have been purchased for all the money that's been dumped into this one. Something newer with less issues... and I'm frustrated I let myself be talked out of taking that path.
I'm just pissed off and frustrated right now. Good news with the job, but then it's just more shit that I can't afford. I want to be able to save money to get my own place so that I can start having my kids with me and not have to be at the house. Yeah... so anywho, is it possible to be elated and totally pissed off all at the same time??
amor y paz,
me
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